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Nonsense
Jun 9, 2013
so here i am, in the most absurd moment ever met. long story short:
she left me, in the worst way possible: "it's not me, it's not you (i like you so much, i still have a feeling for you, you are so smart, brilliant and other bull*****) but if we cannot see each other in person i cannot love you."

some explaination:
we live in different towns, we met on a wannabe-writers forum and she is younger than me, we pass each other 5 years. we met in person as friends and she ended up having a crush on me, and from that we went into a relation. it all lasted 5 months.
we were like the perfect match of feelings, attraction, hobbies, interests; it was all so perfect and smooth i already saw a harsh end coming. why? because bad luck signed my happiest moments since my teenager years.
the first 2 months went on like water flows in a river: fresh, clear, lively. we used to meet once every 2 weekends (she's a secondary high school student, i'm a university student) and keep up the communication with digital means.
she tells her parents, they decide we cannot meet for various '50ish restrictive ideas. Still she wanted to go on and found any way to meet, and filled me with her own dreams and hopes i decided to share to sustain her, and in the end i was believing in a movie- like love story. (here my common sense tingles once more)

every single day we managed to share something so tiny and adorable, and nurtured (is it regular? i'm not a native speaker, but this board seems way more serious than the others in my language), i was saying, nurtured our dreams. (important note: i never pushed deeper in our relationship, i let her bring the story to more important levels and did eveyrthing encessary to let her feel my support and preparation).
When we started out i was not very involved, i thought "let's see what this brings to", but that everyday sharing of feelings made me feel for the firs time ever understood and loved for what i am and not for various reasons people would have to NEED another person. like "wow, you're like this, i've always wanted this, it's not like i'm contenting myself with you".
she also wrote a letter about that and told me many times that. i really really and completely swallowed the bait.

after all the words, after all her parents threats to her and with my costant support to her and my willingness to bring this to an happy ending she just sais that. "i need to see you to be in love with you, if this had happened later on, PERHAPS it would have not ended like this". i was like, well, i felt she was mocking me. whatever she had said was a lie. all my efforts were jsut meaningless while she spoke of this, she only pointed out she had suffered for not being able to see me (since the third month we met rarely because of her parents, but she always said she wanted to go on and all the other things i already spoke about), and that she was still in love with me, or at least she was still very affectioned to me (another verb i don't know how it's used).

i've always had problems. secondary high school:
- problems with my parents because i like metal music, the acme had been being kicked out from home for some days;
- unable to socialize normally with my classmates, i felt excluded from the group and only in my last 2 years i managed to show them i was not a Satan worshipper like my religion teacher claimed;
- unable of course to have a girlfriend, which brings other socialization problems, as well as inferioriy complexes (i just cannot find a girl attractive because i want to get laid, i usually evaluate personality and intellectual affinity over physical needs)
- also i don't like all the people i meet, they have to be "interesting" either share or have something remarkable (no, aestethics doesn't count)

university:
- sent to hell the first year becuase of: nostalgia/ depression, loneliness (moved away from hometown to learn the on-my-own living), and bad companies which led me to, huh, being able to drink a shot of pure alcohol (96%, sooo used to heavy drinking nights, after that shot i was like "meh, pure water").
- now in my second year and close to the exams this happens, and all the rest of the academic year i shared her pain and suffered for our condition as well, despite it seems like she don't realizes this.

i'm 21 and i feel like i missed all the happy things of life so far, the ones that socialization and normal integration brings you. i feel i'm a damn machine.
scored almost the maximum at high school. considered brilliant, promising, deep, able to see a situation from many points of view, a problem solver (on both "professional-career" and "counseling-people" sides). i've plenty of interests: music (can play guitar and also have knowledge in the theoric part), drawing, painting, writing, poetry, dramas, opera, foreign languages and culture.
I do appreciate what life has to offer. Still i cannot find but a sort of deepest loneliness inside, like, huh, i would call a famous writer/poet here but i don't know how much the example could be of use since we have different studies.

Don't get me wrong, i have friends and have a significant friendship with them, and i'm damn proud of them. we are honest and speak of everything with each other there's nothing too trivial or too philosophical worthy of exclusion. we also travel and do things together, but it's not like when you share an intimacy with that special someone.

I fear the future. I see myself old and withered, full of rage and remorse, both because i haven't been able to find another special someone and because my "standards" are too high... but i cannot lie to myself and stay with a person i'm not itnerested to, i've never been a liar.
It's like seeing the sands of a hourglass pouring through my fingers. Time lost, no goals achieved, cannot keep a person close to me, and only future holds what my "brilliance and smartness" cannot cope with.

I'm shacked. I wanted to go out, live in a foreign country, follow my dreams, but these things are such a burden, i truly think sometimes that i have to fly low to not get sunburnt, have fear, stay in my town, be mediocre, content myself. I'm damn human, and without strenghts at the moment.

How many stories like this, just adding my two cents. I just can't tell the same thing sover and over to my friends. Once they hear this and give me their opinions, once i ask the web/ a forum, and then i try to face it alone because i cannot cry forever.





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