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Hi noevr and arpi

Thanks both for your messages. My dad has sadly always been like this. My mum thinks he's got worse but he has always been like this from what I remember with me. I have never got on with him, especially now since I have gotten older and a lot more opinionated and independent and willing to stand up for myself. I have to say that I am extremely embarrassed and ashamed to even call him 'dad' as I fear I will be or am like him and am not very happy to be his daughter. That is how much he has been and still is affecting me. I too am the youngest but am not treated as so. He has a warped sense of superiority and even said to me the other night that I would be very lucky to have a brain like his when I am older - I really did feel offended by him as I seriously do not wish to ever be like him or have his supposed better brain than mine! He actually repeats things within just a few minutes and forgets things and has very little empathy when we are ill, even getting aggressive verbally towards us on occasions, such as telling me I did not deserve pain relief or help and even my sister stupidly agreed with him (consequently, I do not now like my sister as much as I used to - our relationship is vertuoally non-existent - we never really talk) - he forgets I am even ill and to just check on me to see if I'm ok or do me favours etc if I am struggling. I am left to my own devices basically and if I struggle so be it - he is not bothered. He just talks about himself and that he has gone through hardship - he even feels entitled and that I owe him stuff - i.e. money for his house which I need to buy my own house and feel that this will never happen and it scares me but also angers me too. He chose to donate his sperm and never thought of the future committment of having children. I did not ask him to have me, I just appeared not knowing. When I tried to simply put the message across that I would at least like to get my own house with my money, he ignored me and tells me I have to do it - I have no choice! I feel he only cares about getting my money. He could not care less about me myself. Even when I was little he used to physically discipline me, which I know is bad parenting, and threaten to throw me out over stupid things. He overreacted way too much. I do wonder whether he has a mental illness or something because his behaviour is not the norm in my opinion but he prefers to call his family 'mental' and says there is nothing wrong with him and that we are all to blame...

If I was feeling guilty I would never wish to ever further hurt someone by behaving the way he does. All it does is make the situation worse and it is. He is definitely ruining his non - or hardly-existent relationship with me but there cannot be any grown up discussions with him as he never listens to me, blaming me instead or others if they confront him or try to comment. He is quite a difficult person to get along with and I have had enough after being in the room for a bit. I could not directly stay in the room for more than sometimes ten minutes without some stupid or negative comment he makes about me and then it all starts again. I do not even have to say a word and he does it. He even told me to 'calm down' in an agitated tone just because I commented that he was repeating himself within minutes and that I heard what he said. He must think I'm stupid? He even used to tell me (probably still thinks it for all I know but he will not tell it to my face now I am bigger) that I will never amount to anything - never get a job - just because he was trying and failing to teach me maths and I was intimidated by his complete lack of patience and shouting at me or telling me that he wanted to see it done by the time he next comes in etc. I was petrified as a youngster - about 11 years old this started. I then started getting migrains from all the stress and worry and was desperate to avoid him and his dreaded maths sessions. I will not be able to forgive him for putting me through this unnecessary treatment. I even said to him since gaining a diploma that I am not stupid just because I found maths difficult with him - hoping for some sort of apology or recognition of what he put me through was wrong and he did not mean it but he did not say sorry or anything and skirted past it. I seriously see him as feeling right all the time and he does see himself as a know all. He never apologises when he has upset me and is even in the wrong. He is not a father figure I would want my children around when I have some and it worries me what he would do to them like he has me.

I will not have luck getting him counselling - he blames me and his family or situations out of our control etc for his behaviour even though we are not to blame and have not done anything to deserve it - in fact his wife and us children have supported him a lot throughout his unemployment spanning a very long time and I have even wasted my time comforting him in the past and realise I am not appreciated or wanted - or so it appears. He should be trying to get me the best care and has left me to deal with it all when my mom has been working and still leaves me - only my mother helps but mostly I do all my health-related stuff as she does not really always want to do it, which is difficult to hear when you are struggling and feel alone and frustrated with treatment or lack of it in my case. I had no one for emotional or physical support. I was just lying in bed on my own hooked up to catheter bag. It does make me angry , especially as it is family members as well. It really does hurt. It makes me realise what kind of people some are. I realise who he is sadly and I never want to be like him or put my children through what I have gone through unneccessarily.

I just wish my family were more emotionally supportive even just giving me cuddles and the usual normal family interaction of affection. I do talk more with my mother but that's about it. It never seems to sink in when I mention it as being why I am unhappy and seems pointless being a part of this family that are not normal. I do get jealous sadly of other people who's family are loving in the way of giving hugs or saying they love each other etc. It is nice to see and I would have chosen that family if I could have chosen but unfortunately it was not to be as children cannot choose their families.

My dad says he had a childhood where his parents threw him out etc. However, he was not always a good boy though as he did say he did very naughty things which I will not post here as I wish to respect his confidentiality with regards this as I am just that sort of person but he does not realise how lucky he is to have a daughter like me - even other people I have met have commented this to me. I am not surprised he was thrown out as it is not something 'normal' children or society would do and I would ever dream of. I would have been thrown out by him for the smallest thing - i.e. just an argument but he did much worse than this. He did say to me he did not want his children to grow up like he did but I fear he is doing just that sadly.

I too have had rough patches and have no choice but to keep my mouth closed as my opinions or help is certainly not wanted. I realise this now and try to hide away in my room and am on my own a lot - in fact most of the time and do not know how I stay so sociable or friendly with people outside. It never ceases to amaze me how nice it is to get out and talk to nice people who are genuinely interested and not telling me, like my dad did and still does, that I am the reason I am not getting the right care - it in fact has nothing to do with it - I have been friendly to staff and they have even treated me negatively just because my GP had put stupid false and badly written stuff in my notes and it has caused me no end of grief but that's another story and one I am working on as I refuse to let that GP get away with unprofessional and poor practice which is endangering me by stopping me getting the right care or care at all. I am really dissapointed in my dad and he has no idea what he is talking about at all as he does not help me get the right care or speak to staff. I do feel if he does not have anything actually constructive then he should not get involved as he is making my life worse in this respect and he is causing unnecessary grief and resentment towards him and making me possibly more ill as my blood pressure was found to be raised high when I went to a and e the day after he accused me of being at fault for my poor care received which is not the case.

I cannot believe what I even heard in a phone conversation with someone where he said 'I am a modern gentleman - I look after my family'. I was thinking 'if only'. He has no idea of the term 'care' or 'look after'. These terms are about providing emotional support as well as physical.

It is sad to hear so many going through this and that arpi is too. I know what it feels like and the helplessness and frustration that goes with it. It is so very lonely too as it is usually family members people turn to for such support but this cannot happen when such issues are a result of interaction with the family. Very often they will not listen and blame you for it all. It is sad and I honestly would like to know why such people even have children when they are not capable of acting like grown ups themselves. They need the skills and aptitude before considering having children and a stable home and financial means. Poverty and lack of family support is particularly bad and has been found to shorten life or cause ill health. What is difficult is when roles are reversed where the child actually financially supports the parents because they are not capable of supporting the child or themselves even or even living beyond their means such as buying household goods like furniture when they already have it and have more important things to spend money on such as food, heating, water, etc. I am experiencing this role reversal and it is I feel ruining my relationships with them in a way and also changing how I see them or respect them. I do not really see them as parents anymore but people I happen to live with.

I just hope to better myself for my children and not have to put them through negative and unnecessary experiences like these as I would feel I had seriously let my children down. At least I recognise the negative behaviour so I do not hopefully repeat it and due to such upbringing will have to be very aware of this bad behaviour creeping into my family life as I want my family to be happy.

Best wishes

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