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I'm sure that this is cliche and that it has been beaten to death somewhere else on this message board. I also realize that me feeling this way probably makes me "less of guy's guy", but I figure I should bounce this off someone. My ex girl friend left via a text about 12 months ago. She was not simply an "ex girlfriend", she was the girl I was suppose to propose to last May. Long story short, she she left me was because I wasn't "open", I wasn't "talking", I wasn't "expressive". I also realize exuses are like buttholes, but, some things that lead me to behave the way I did are things such as (1) was attending my first year of law school, (2) a reservist in the military, (3) working a part time job, and (4) after she left I now realized childhood sexual abuse lead me to be very protective of my most inner thoughts.

Essentially, after finally exposing myself of all those things [especially number four] after 25 years of hidden shame I was told my problems were my problems. I admit I am stupid, but I was not born yesterday. I also realized and admitted my faults to her but she, instead of coming to me and allowing me to see how I was acting was hurting her, (not being there, consumed with trying to keep my head above water) had found someone else online.

She was a "clueless girl" when I met her, and while my life experiences (complete poverty and "number 4") had lead me to behave like a person being "17 going on 35 always" she was vary naive when we first met (she 22, me 26) coming from a more "normal" background. She had made some mistakes in life (accumulated 185k dollars of debt for a business degree from a private school) and was paying the repercussions once she graduated. Part of the reason I decided on law school was to have a profession to pay off her debt, buy her the nice house, and the nice car all of which she and I were lacking. Hell, the money for the engagement ring came from me extending for another 3 years in the reserves. I figured that if we were going to have a happy successful life, the finances to make us secure were not going to come from her "name tag" job in the mall; especially considering her insurmountable debt given such a career path.

I only mentioned these things because I felt that any "jack a moe" can say "I love you", but actions should account for something as well. In this case they did not. Being the "responsible" "good guy" for four years didn't stop her from lashing out at me with statements that I will take to my grave. I have no excuse for not talking and being open, I'll admit that I would lay at night trying to gain the courage to tell her the things I hid for so long but couldn't. By the time I was able to tell her, or anyone else, her response was apathy and indifference. My background doesn't excuse my behavior, but perhaps it could excuse some of the culpability. I never tried to hurt anyone. I only tried to make a life for us. In 12 months I have realized my problems, have paid to talk to professionals even though I am a broke law school student, and have went from having a revolver in my mouth to someone who realized life's situation and approaches is with more hope than I ever though possible going back a year.

I have now been dating a "new girl" for about 4 months. I like the new girl. That said, I cannot get the old girl out of my head. Another over-share, but the ex was my "first". Yes, I know, 26 and her being my "first" is pathetic. I was a "late bloomer" in that department. Reasons need not be discussed here. Ill just say some experiences, be it break ups or events in childhood, change people. I now talk to several friends and family on a regular basis. I am posting on this site. I just wish the person I thought was family still cared. She doesn't; and even if she did I could never look at her face again. Not out of hate, even after how she did me wrong- I do not hate her. I suppose if I hated here it would be easier. Quite the contrary, I still love my clueless ex girlfriend and would have moved the world for her if she could have only seen it at that time.

Again, I really do like the new girl. She is sweet, award in ways, but we get along fine and are learning more about each other as time passes. But I do not know how to handle this. I try not to think about the ex. I try to wash out the memories. But I cant. Why? Is it fair to the new girl? What should I tell the new girl? How should I go about it? Everyone I have talked to told me it was good to get back "out int he game". I am ready. I do not pine over the ex to be with her, but I still love her. I suppose I will always love her even though she hates me. I want to let things develop with the new girl. But how do you tell someone about such things? How do you tell someone you extended an enlistment in the military for a ring to marry?

I don't know what to do. My mind is spinning. I find myself preforming life's obligations as a shell of what I use to do and who I use to be. I have done everything possible. Hobbies. Exercise. Getting back out there. What they say is crap, it has been better to love and lost than never love at all. I would pay anything to wash her out my memory. I would pay anything to hate her and move on. How do I tell my new girl about this? How do I tell her about the childhood stuff? I do not think I can do that again. I cant look at another person who is going to glare at me with those judging cruel eyes. Is better just to keep such things hidden? Any thoughts would be great.

Thanks for reading my stream of conscience. Have a blessed day.





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