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I have gotten to a point where I don't know where to turn.
Just a pre-warning this may be very long as I want to try and be thorough.
I'm feeling like I no longer love my partner. We have only been together a year, it was all very serious very quickly and all he talks about is marriage and children and our life together.
I will give you an overview:
I met him online and had been talking to him for about 6 months before we were together. As he lived quite a few hours from me we made the visits to and from to see each other as much as possible in the first few months of being together. We said a million sweet things, as you do. After much discussion is was decided that he would move here to be with me as he was over his job and his life where he was.
As soon as he moved our relationship changed. The day of him moving I was at work and he tells me he came across it, but he was abviously going through my things as he found a photo of an old friend of mine and myself kissing in a photobooth. He was furious and told me to never speak to that person again and I agreed because it was the only thing to say to make him not leave. Another incident that occured is I am a model and I model for a clothing store that sells lingerie. I had a photoshot one day and my friend who was dating the photographer wanted a photo with me sitting in a big elegant chair, I agreed and I sat on his lap and we took a photo. When he seen this it was hell and I also had to stop speaking with this man, despite him being in a relationship with my friend and a friend of mine. He tells me that he has never 'asked' me to stop speaking to someone, but he makes it very clear he dissaproves of many people I speak with especially men. He began picking at everything I did and said, my opinion is always wrong or I don't say I love you enough, or I should be behaving like this towards him. I felt less inclined to be loving towards him because I felt pressured to love him in a way that was not me. He wanted me to love him how he wanted it. I feel smothered constantly, he is overly affectionate and wanting cuddles and things that are not who I am, when I tried to explain to him that I am an introvert and prefer my own company and to leave me be, he just said 'why can't you let go of the way you used to be, stop living in the past, this is a new relationship and you have to grow and change'. He seems to use that excuse whenever I do something he doesn't like. After about 3 more months of constant miscommunication and disagreements he asked if we could go tro counselling and I agreed. We went to about 10 sessions, nothing arose that I didn't already know. He had a troubled past with his family relating to drug abuse and mental illness, past girlfriends had been exceptionally horrible one being married without telling him for over a year and the other sleeping with every man whilst he was away working. I see that these two relationships have directly impacted the way he now behaves in our relationship ie. not allowing me to talk to men. But should I be accepting that and just removing people from my life because it makes him feel uncomfortable? Admittedly I did not deal with him controlling my actions well, I was screaming at him because he insists on discussing a problem right then and there. I like to collect my thoughts and decide if it is an issue that needs to be discussed thoroughly or just deserves a quick 'I'm sorry'. I broke it off with him one evening and told him to go back as I could not continue to endure the stress and pain that I was continuously dealing with whilst in this relationship. It felt like I was living day to day waiting for him to start a fight.

We were living with housemates and after 10 months moved into a place together and I had hoped that having our own space rather than one room would allow us to rekindle our relationship. I was wrong. It only lasted three weeks until we got into our first major fight. Donít get me wrong when we were good, it was amazing, a fairytale really and exactly what most girls ask for. He is attentive and considerate. But when it was bad I wanted to just run away I seen no other alternative. He could not be reasoned with, he was always right and nothing I said would change that.

We have been in our home for three months now and slowly I have come to feel that I donít love him romantically. In the beginning the sex was amazing (I actually cried the first time we made love) and for the first time in my life I was able to enjoy sex, I had previously has severe issues with having sex with anyone due to emotional barriers. But after he moved I stopped, we would only have it if he asked and I would only say yes because I felt guilty. I had no desire to make love with him. It has only gotten worse, I had hoped it would improve, but I do not think about sex, ever. I cannot bear to kiss him and I use the excuse that he smokes and I wonít kiss him because it tastes bad. I even look at him and I feel sorry for him because I know he thinks I am his world, he would do anything for me and I am so ungrateful. He deserves someone who loves him, but he says if I left him he would never love another person and could care less for anyone else, and would never allow himself to trust anyone else.

Now for the kicker, for the last 3 months; just after we moved, I have been having extremely vivid dreams about my ex partner. I held it in until one evening after a few glasses of wines I messaged him and told him I had been dreaming about him and that I am a bad person and he told me I wasnít and began talking to me. We have been talking for those three months and plan to meet up. The worst thing is he has a girlfriend and neither of us feel guilty for being so childish and planning to go behind their backs. We were each others first love, and Iím scared I was only dreaming about him because I donít feel anything for my current partner so Iím resorting back to the only time in my life that I was really in love, clinging onto that.
To clarify, he has no intention of leaving his partner for me and I have no intention of leaving my partner for him. We just miss having someone to talk to that gets everything, we were best friends before we dated and I donít think I have found an intellectual connection since. I also feel like I would rather be single and flourish as myself (as I had been doing) than continue being told who and what I should be. I am very independent, I have been out of home since I was 16 and made a life for myself (I do have a great relationship with my family).

I want advice on how to approach this, it seem juvenile as we have not been together long, and we are not married. But it feels like we are married. I feel trapped and do not know what to do. Where do I go now, how do I handle this? Every time I confront him he tells me he is going to kill himself then behaves irrationally. He is taking medication for his anxiety and it has helped only minutely.

I thank you for reading as I rambled. I am just hoping someone else can relate (not really, I Ďd rather no one was going day to day feeling like this).





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