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This is such a long complicated story that I really dont know where to begin. I will TRY to keep it short but get point across.

I have been with my boyfriend..hell I dont know what we are anymore, off and on for 10 years. when we first started dating it was just full of passion and the fluttery feelings of a new relationship.(keep in mind we were living together along with 2 other roommates at this time) things started getting rocky cause he missed me when I moved out and to a different city for work. he ended up moving in with me and it was just him and I. This is when things started getting different. I hadnt really pinpointed it until now but from then on our relationship with each other started getting distant for some reason. and I did everything I could to keep him interested but at times he just seemed distant and wanted to hang out with his friends. so I would end it because I felt like he was pushing me away so I would leave him well this happened off and on for a few years. he would start coming around just when I started to get myself to move on saying he wanted me back and that he missed me and of course I always took him back. I held him up on a pedastal for so long, that even if I was dating someone else I would go back to him. well, amidst all of this I ended up pregnant. So I moved in with him again in the house he bought. I was working at the time. and kept working up until I was 6months pregnant and lost my job from missing too many days. he told me not to worry and that I could stay home that he would take care of me. which he has done financially ever since..and we are now 5 years and two more kids later. However, there was a time when pregnant with the second and again before the 3rd one came along that we split up and I was lucky enough to have some help at the time to get my life set up elsewhere. he had broke it off with me that last time because he said he didnt like who I was that he loved me but wasnt in love with me. he said it was like we live as room mates and he kept asking me to change. and I am the most true to self person youll ever meet but because I wanted the relationship to work I would try my hardest to be what he wanted and it never failed after a few months we would be right back where we started and he would start saying its not working..well after almost a year of this one day I told him "look, I keep trying to be who you want me to and do things you want me to but its not who I am and things keep going back to the way they are because Im not being true to myself. how am I supposed to completely change my personality and why should I have to. If you cant love me for me then I dont know what to tell you, I have tried everything I can, you can either love me for who I am or let me go. and I told him that I was happy with the way things are and that hes the one with the issue that I cant fix despite my thats when he said that I should go. so like I said I was lucky enough at the time to have help financially that had me set with a place to live for a few months and gave me time to find a job..I clearly was lost and unhappy after that because I started living out of hotels and couldnt take my kids with me. (I was gone about 7 months, 3 months I had a condo paid for, 2 months I had a friend I roomed with and the other 2 months I was hotels) well those last 4 months he kept begging me to move back in with him and to be a family again and I was reluctant because I know how I am in a relationship and I wasnt going to change we both knew it and he assured me that being a single dad he understood why I was the way I was and that he didnt care he just wanted to be a family again even if it meant things being the way they were. so I quit my job and moved back in..(I was living/working 3 hours away from him) well, the first 2 years was fine, no arguments whatsoever. albeit we had separate rooms because I got pregnant 2 months after returning,not planned, and I wanted the baby in the room with me but didnt want to disturb him in the middle of the night because he had to work. btw this plays a big part in what my problem is today.

My big issue now is for the past 9 months or so he has started to come to me saying he isnt happy and that its like we are just room mates and that we dont sleep together or spend time together. So, by this time baby was a little over a year old and I felt it wasnt needed that he be in a separate room anymore so I turned his room into baby room and moved his stuff back in to our master. well, it was great for about 3 joke. he has ever since slept on the couch or if he comes to bed he will get up in the middle of the night and go to couch. but still complains to me that we dont sleep together (which if it were up to me I dont mind sleeping alone and prefer it but I dont run him out if he wants to sleep with me). and I have been getting my mom to watch kids at least one weekend a month so that he and I can go on a date.But these date nights are usually a result of him saying we need to separate if things dont change. NOw, on to my 2nd biggest issue. I have never said or expressed that I WANT to be a stay at home mom. and with the way he talks to me since I became a stay at home I definitely dont want to be. but he wouldnt give me money for a babysitter to find a job. well now since I have been kind of working for my mom hes been throwing 'tantrums' more and more. and hes been making comments rudely like "if your are going to be working who is going to take care of the house and kids and making sure I have a hot meal on the table when I come home from work. I sacrifice everything for you". and he says "fine, if you want to work thats on you but im not paying for any childcare and it better not affect my work, if im having to help with the house and kids after busting my *** at work all day and then coming in to work next day not up to par then it has to stop. im not going to lose my job over it." and I asked him who does he think is going to do everything if we are both working full time and he says well since his job is harder that he shouldnt have to. now for me, I dont freak out if the laundry is a couple loads behind or the dishwasher hasnt been emptied that day. I tend to my kids needs first, make sure they arent running amuck, getting homework done etc. I feel as long as my house isnt filthy we are ok. its just too much for me to take on by myself with three small kids. but he doesnt get it. he just gets an attitude and says you act like your the first mom to stay home with their kids. and I say well im sure they have a more supportive partner that respects them (he TELLS me to clean like hes my boss which makes me resent him and pushes me away when he says we need to separate when I dont) and when I mention him not respecting me he says well you have to earn it..which blows my mind because I have never done one thing to disrespect him, im not controlling, im not jealous, I just dont have time for him when he makes me do everything and at this point even if I do have time I have to force myself to be around him. I have so many resentments built up now that I want to leave but I stuck..he has no regard for my feelings at all. he says things that he knows upsets me because he wants to get a rise out of me. I just want to leave so bad but have nowhere to go and no money and the kids are in school. I just dont know what to do or how to get out of this or even if Im being irrational and should suck it up. we have nothing in common at all. I cant even talk to him cause if I bring up something that doesnt interest him he asks why I am even telling him. so I have gotten used to not even talking to him cause Im afraid he will just cut me off but I sit patiently and listen to all the things he has to say that I have no clue what hes talking about but I humor him. yea I may not be a perfect little stepford house wife who keeps the house emmaculate and cooks a 3 course meal every night but Im supportive, respectful, loyal and do what I can. but he feels because I dont pay the bills I dont have a say and if he wants the house cleaned I better do it even though if it were up to me I would never choose to be a maid. im not cut out for it, not with 3 screaming kids trashing the house up behind me. ugh im sorry this has turned out to be so long. I just have so much I have pent up and no one to talk to. I just stay home alone all day and never have any adults to talk to except my mom but I can only say so much to her. there is still so much to this I havent even gotten in to. I just wanted to start somewhere. im open to suggestions or even answer questions to help clarify things. I appreciate any and all help/advice

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