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I know this problem may pale in comparison to how bad some others here have it, but my pain is very real and I don't know what else to do. I love her but don't trust her. Want the untrustworthy thoughts to go away but I'm afraid to break up with her because if it's just my insecurities, then I've ruined one of the greatest things in my life.. but if I stay I may never be sane again. I am seeing a therapist but not making much headway as I can make a case for all my suspicions about her.. Here's the story..

Have been seeing a girl exclusively for about three months now. I love her. I've never been able to completely be myself around a girl before but with her I can. Everything about her is great and I would never do anything to hurt her.

We've slept in the same bed almost every night for the last three months, don't get annoyed with eachother (yet lol) and spend our weekends together. Sex life is great (on my end anyway), there's never any of me nagging her to do it, or lots of "I'm not in the mood" nights.

She had a rough childhood with parents that weren't there for her but somehow I don't see any signs that it has affected her as an adult (I stress there aren't signs THAT I SEE).

In the only three serious relationships I've been in (all of them under a year) I have been insecure that I was being lied to and/or cheated on. Some accusations founded, some unfounded. With this recent relationship, I keep seeing things happen that don't make sense, and can look like lying, or can look like coincidence.

Quick examples of the smaller issues are: Me calling after she says she's out of work/school, and her not answering. Telling me about a different sex position. Bed starting to squeak out of nowhere one day, when the day before it was not squeaking, and the motion that made it squeak only happens in the new sex position that we never do.

Those are things that can easily be written off as coincidence. However there are other things that I have a much harder time forgetting about. One day I was giving her oral sex and it tasted very "chemical" down there, like she had been using lube. I was not with her the whole day before. We never use lube, she has some in her drawer but we've never needed it. When I asked her what that might be she said "I don't know", over and over. I didn't accuse, but asked if she had been masturbating, anything. She still said she didn't know. I found that hard to believe.

Two weeks later we got drunk and started talking about trust, and I told her it bothered me that she didn't have an answer, and that I know what her vagina tastes like, and that it wasn't a hygeine issue, that it was very chemical like. It was at this time where she said "Well maybe I was masturbating and I felt embarassed." This would have been a reasonable explanation had she told me at the time, but I told her it hurt me that she would allow me to feel that crazy about it, knowing that it was just from her masturbating. Also, I've seen her vibrator and it's tiny.. I wouldn't think she would need lube for that. But I digress.

More and more little coincidences happen that bother and they eventually start building up and the trust issues starting getting more intense. The second big one happened recently, and it's one I just cannot let go, and might cause me to break up with her.

My girlfriend has two jobs and works early mornings for one of them, she gets home at 8am. We still sleep together every night so I'm there when she gets home. She showers every morning immediately when she gets back. I was feeling very suspicious one morning and hopped in the shower with her. We both got directly out of the shower and start fooling around. I go down on her and all of a sudden I taste something weird again, then the tip of my tongue and my throat go numb from whatever of her juices got back to my throat. I didn't say anything at first and we finished having sex. Also, she had shaved the day before so she was prickly down there, so the rubbing caused friction on my stomach and it was red. I asked her why her vagina would have made my mouth numb and I got the "I don't know" answer again. She hadn't used lotion, aftershave, nothing; directly from the shower.

Five hours later I had a rash on my stomach where the friction was. Could have been foliculitis, could have been an allergic reaction. Either way I found it to be no coincidence that something down there caused my throat to go numb AND gave me a rash the same day. The next day we were having sex and I noticed a yellow creamy discharge; she tested positive for a yeast infection.

My thought is that she was using some kind of spermicidal lube (or condom with spermicidal lube) the night before or that morning and didn't wash it all off in the shower. The chemical made my throat numb as it's known to do, caused the rash on my stomach and also possibly caused her yeast infection, which spermicidal lubes have been known to do. From the googling I've done, yeast infections don't cause numbness, but rather are quite odorless and mild.

I can't let that go. It makes all too much sense that it was a spermicidal lube, or who knows maybe a numbing cream or something (some girls use it to deep throat). I have told her how much mental anguish I am in because my mind won't drop these "coincidences" without some kind of proof. I'm stuck because if I'm wrong, I've caused her pain and tears and lose one of the best things in my life. If I ignore it then I live in torment and create outrageous scenarios in my head about what could be going on.

Therapy has not helped, she offered to show me phone records but now a days there are thousands of ways to communicate without being caught so that wouldn't prove anything. I work nights so she could be doing anything while I'm gone. She says she loves me all the time but something just isn't right. I'm usually a very good judge of character and am a very realistic person in every other aspect of my life. I find it hard to believe my intuition is completely wrong... but maybe it is?

I am spending the first night apart from her tonight because I am out of ideas.. Shes cried, I've cried, I want things to make sense but they never will if I stay with her.. unless I ignore huge things like her freshly showered vagina making my throat numb and giving me a rash. Please, anyone, shed some light on the subject because it is a very dark one for me. I cannot control my thoughts. Please help.
As far as I can see, this is basically a sex relationship. If you make a point of exclusivity and transparence, then I guess you are right to be concerned. Even if nothing serious is going on on her end, she is not sharing everything you think she should.... I think you want more than pure sex out of this relationship, right? Then it would help if you (and I mean you in particular - the man) invested more time and energy in building a friendship with her, in talking about the future,about your common goals (do you want to marry her? have kids? buy a house? etc), in putting the sex so to speak on the backburner. I am not saying it is your fault, but maybe she thinks you look at her as a sexual thing also, not much better than her own vibrator.
[QUOTE=pendulum;5244712]As far as I can see, this is basically a sex relationship. If you make a point of exclusivity and transparence, then I guess you are right to be concerned. Even if nothing serious is going on on her end, she is not sharing everything you think she should.... I think you want more than pure sex out of this relationship, right? Then it would help if you (and I mean you in particular - the man) invested more time and energy in building a friendship with her, in talking about the future,about your common goals (do you want to marry her? have kids? buy a house? etc), in putting the sex so to speak on the backburner. I am not saying it is your fault, but maybe she thinks you look at her as a sexual thing also, not much better than her own vibrator.[/QUOTE]

I hope it's not just a sex relationship, it doesn't feel like it on my end, however I'm quite inexperienced with long term relationships so maybe I don't see it for what it really is?

We have talked about kids and marriage, and I've told her if it wasn't for my trust issues we'd be on the road to both of them. I'm not confident I know how she truly feels.. she doesn't talk about feelings very often, but does say she loves me a lot. Not sure what's going to happen from here but thanks for your input.
[QUOTE=InsaneLove;5244804]I hope it's not just a sex relationship, it doesn't feel like it on my end, however I'm quite inexperienced with long term relationships so maybe I don't see it for what it really is?

We have talked about kids and marriage, and I've told her [B][I]if it wasn't for my trust issues we'd be on the road to both of them.[/I][/B] I'm not confident I know how she truly feels.. she doesn't talk about feelings very often, but does say she loves me a lot. Not sure what's going to happen from here but thanks for your input.[/QUOTE]

So, in other words, you told her you don't trust her? Wow, she must really love you, otherwise she would have left...

If you resent her for not talking about feelings and if you keep wondering what she may be doing behind your back, would you please elaborate on what makes her one of the greatest things in your life? I mean, are you sure you guys are compatible enough?
[QUOTE=pendulum;5244888]Have you ever talked to a doctor about these "coincidences" (or suspicions)?

The other piece of advice I can give you is, go on with your therapy. I was just wondering if you could find a couple counselor instead.[/QUOTE]

I've been thinking about your case... Funny thing, you do claim you don't trust her because of those "coincidences". I agree to a certain point that they look weird and maybe demand further investigation (or just let go until the relationship is really established and built). But a few other things cross my mind as well.

1. The pattern - I am not really accusing of this, because it is not a crime, but an internal pattern. Do you remember the old phrase "Search and you will find"? If you are looking for trouble, then you're going to find it, it's only a matter of time. What I want to say is that you probably have a suspicious character. Or maybe you are a perfectionist? I think you may do it unconsciously, but it's a pattern deny it as you may: when you think you have found perfection, then you start searching for a minor defect that will blemish the perfection. It's almost like you went for oral sex, not only because you enjoy it, but also because you were in search of something, some evidence... Maybe it was not a coincidence, but your radar working. Do you get the drift?

2. The reaction - You could have had different reactions: you could have found it amusing (sense of humor) or not given any importance to it (sense of proportion). But your reaction is a mixture of anger and frustration and drama and at the same time of validation of your perfectionism and suspicious mind: "I knew, I knew, nothing/nobody is really perfect." It's like a vicious circle.

3. Trust - You don't trust her any more, but trust is a two-way road. She doesn't trust you either. I would go as far as to say that she didn't trust you from the very beginning, because she sensed somehow that you would be "intrusive" and demanding.

I'm sorry I can't write very good English, but I hope these ideas get through, even if they are not perfectly right and help you gain some new perspective.
[QUOTE=InsaneLove;5244803]Thanks for your input.

As far as "one of the most paranoid things you've ever read", you should try reading all the accounts you can find on the internet about people cheating on their significant other, and how it was done with no regret, and how often it happens. You might change your mind about what triggers suspicion. [/quote]

that would be enough to drive anyone insane about their relationship so I hope this was a joke. and not how you spend time. my advice is if you can,t trust her because a) she can,t be trusted; or b)u don,t know how to let go and trust anyone completely, then the relationship is doomed either way but I do agree that your outlook is sadly paranoid that you need to over analyse so much small detail because you don,t have faith in someone else. I suspect this is largely paranoia in your mind but perhaps you fear being duped or wronged so much that you would rather end things or make accusations, but IMO without proof all you have is conjecture, and if someone is really important to you then they deserve better than false accusation
I agree with Seraph as far as you being extremely paranoid. I have read relationship stories for years and I never read one like this (I'm in my 50's).

Since you are not getting help from your current therapist I suggest changing therapists to find out why you are so insecure and paranoid. Maybe your parents cheated, I don't know.

I do think (just my opinion) that your girlfriend will put up with you for so long and if you continue this behavior she is going to leave you. And guess what? If you don't get the help you need you can never have a "healthy" relationship with any woman. Most women will NOT put up with your behavior.

As far as chemicals, diet plays a huge role. Fish contains high levels of mercury as well as other foods. If a person does not eat healthy (eats processed foods) then they are eating chemicals. Preservatives are chemicals. The flu vaccine and other vaccines are full of chemicals. Do your research and you may be surprised at what you find out.

Again, find yourself another therapist since the one you are seeing now is not helping you.

I wish you the best of luck,
Sunny





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