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Hi,

This is a little embarrassing for me to put out there, with it being so personal, but I feel that I need some objective advice.

I have been in a serious relationship for the past year and a half with a man that I have known for almost 20 years. We are typically happy, but he is very insecure. I am always telling him that he is smart, funny, handsome, sexy, etc., and he always tells me that I am lying. I really mean these things and I'm starting to get very frustrated with him telling me that I don't really think he is handsome, that I don't love him, etc.

He has been in a string of bad relationships in his life and has not been treated well by past girlfriends. Over the past 6 months, has been obsessed with my past.

Putting it bluntly, he is very insecure about his penis size and his sexual performance. I love our sex life, but again, he doesn't believe me when I tell him this.

When we were first dating, before things got serious and before I knew the extent of his insecurity issues, he was going on and on about how much he "hates" his penis because it is "small and stupid"- it is neither too small or stupid! I told him that it is perfect for me, that it's the fit and the action that counts and that he satisfies me completely. He told me I was lying. Here is where I said the thing that over a year later, I have come to regret. I told him there is a such thing as too big- he asked me if I knew from experience. I told him that I briefly dated a man about 15 years ago that was abnormally large and that sex with this man actually hurt and I didn't enjoy it. I said it to try and punctuate the fact that I think he, and his man parts, are amazing. He took it the wrong way and said that I was trying to humiliate him and make him feel bad. We eventually got over this and I thought everything was ok.

Then, about 6 months ago, he was mad at me for something unrelated and brought this up out of the blue. We fought about it- he called me names, twisted everything I said and was overall unreasonable. He threatened to leave "because I will never get over this. You want me to be embarrassed". He never left, and the next day apologized for being an idiot. This same scenario has happened about 4 times since then, the most recent being today. He just brought it up again. I complimented him, told him I loved him, and urged him to let this go- that the past does not matter. He said some mean things to me, out of spite, and now texting me from work that he isn't coming home tonight because "I'll never get over this. I'm not adequate for you. I can't make you happy". Despite my reassurances and my MULTIPLE apologies for ever telling him about that guy I dated so long ago, he truly will not let it go and continues to accuse me of lying. He stated that he blames me for all of his self esteem issues and says that he is not good enough for me, which isn't true. I am a medical professional and feel that he needs therapy, but I know he will take offense if I suggest therapy, no matter how delicately I put it.

I will be heartbroken to lose him (and his daughter, who I have become very close with) but I feel like I cannot stand walking on eggshells anymore. His mood turns on a dime and I feel that his accusations and behavior are becoming borderline abusive. I don't know how to help him and I'm just getting really tired of the roller coaster. I know now that I made a HUGE mistake discussing that past relationship- he cannot grasp that I brought it up in an attempt to make him feel better about himself and our relationship and I would take it back 100 times if I could.

Any advice?
Such rampant insecurity is extremely unattractive, both on men and women. And it looks like you caught yourself a mental case who is very insecure to the point that he is actually undateable. He has made it very clear to you repeatedly that Nothing that you say or do is going to satisfy his insecurity so you are literally fighting a losing battle. You will never be able to fix him so you have to ask yourself if this is the kind of relationship you want to have where you're constantly having to reassure him and he will constantly reject your attempts and also be abusive toward you. I think the choice is clear what needs to happen but I hope you're smart enough to leave before it's too late and your self esteem starts to crumble as a result of his verbal abuse.
Thank you for the advice- it's hard to hear but I know what needs to be done- I guess I just needed a little reassurance myself. He got on my case again last night- was trying to flirt with him and he read way too much into it, and said I was trying to "make implications" about my sexual past, again to humiliate him. He's so unreasonable. He called me a liar and implied that I am a tramp. I slept on the couch. He's been texting me all day and is generally talking crazy, blaming me for his insecurity issues. I shut him down by refusing to argue over text message and told him I would not be responding to any more of his texts tonight. His behavior has become very strange over the past several weeks. I've started to wonder if he is on drugs. Anyway, we are going to talk tonight when he gets home from work. If he doesn't agree tonight to go to therapy, he'll find his things packed in the morning.
[QUOTE=OhioSF78;5273121]Thank you for the advice- it's hard to hear but I know what needs to be done- I guess I just needed a little reassurance myself. He got on my case again last night- was trying to flirt with him and he read way too much into it, and said I was trying to "make implications" about my sexual past, again to humiliate him. He's so unreasonable. He called me a liar and implied that I am a tramp. I slept on the couch. He's been texting me all day and is generally talking crazy, blaming me for his insecurity issues. I shut him down by refusing to argue over text message and told him I would not be responding to any more of his texts tonight. His behavior has become very strange over the past several weeks. I've started to wonder if he is on drugs. Anyway, we are going to talk tonight when he gets home from work. If he doesn't agree tonight to go to therapy, he'll find his things packed in the morning.[/QUOTE]

I am quite surprised to see so many quick "leave him" advices in the forum (not just this thread).

Ohio, I commend your love for him. I do see that you love him, and if both of you get through this, your relationship will be stronger.

If someone with a handicapped hand kept dropping things, everyone would say, 'oh it's ok, he has a disability'. Well in his case i would say it's the same.
The fact that he is lashing out more at you to me means that he is reaching the point where he really wants to trust you.But before that is possible, he has to get past his fears, and address his hurts.

Better if the counselor be a guy.It will be good if he can connect with Men who feel respected in their relationship. Cause it seems he does not trust women, not you specifically. Men will teach him how to preserve his dignity.
i also recommend that you get some good friends to help you go through this. Not really for the solution, but rather to help you let out what you feel. It can be a counselor too.

I am saying this cause it seems you have the strength, groundedness, composure and a healthy self-esteem to go through it. It may also be an opportunity for personal growth, if you are up to it.

I am in fact in the same situation as you. My gf has very low self-esteem and believes in the worse of me. But now it gives me hope to see a woman with love, like you. Don't give up.





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