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Relationship Health Message Board

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Hey everyone. Thanks for reading. Well ill make long story short ( ill try). Ive been with my now fiance for almost two years. He knows/ always knew my past. I was in one relationship before him for almost 9 years. I was very,very young when i got into my first relationship. ( 14 to exact) Well basically when I met my fiance, my ex and I were horrible. He used to hurt my physically and emotionally. He was a big mess for me. We went continously break up..then get back together just because we were all we knew. Well, that alll changed when I met my fiance in in July 2012. My ex and I recently stopped talking before I met him and i decided to give the new guy a chance. Well, the new guy turned out to be amazing. He is honestly a blessing that has happend in my life. Unfortunately, lately ( this past week to be exact) Ive screwed up BIG time. We were watching tv one day and I was thinking too much ( like i always do) and I asked him how many girls he has slept with in the past before he met me. Well for MONTHS he would never ever answer me. This past week, i dont know what got into me but I went insane. I told him that he better tell me before we get married ( we get married in january 2015) I began cussing at him and grabbed my things and left our apartment. He ran after me saying that he didnt know me...that it shouldnt matter. I told him it matters to me. He KNOWS ive ONLY slept with one person. That was my ex. He finally told me his number. his number is 9. After he told me that...I again ( something I NEVER wanted to do in this relationship) I started cursing. I told him that he is a ***** ..he is a dog.. I went on and on. I hit walls, I went crazy. Now its been a few days since the storm. I feel like he is a bit distant from me ( which I get it) But i can NOT get over his past. I keep wondering how he got them into bed. The things he told these girls, what they look like, if he compares me. I LOOK AT HIM with ANGER AND HATRED. I ****** hate him right now . Our relationship has BEEN PERFECT, hes been the best to me in all ways. He truly is incredible...but I cant stop my anger. My hatred. I look at him and I practically spit on the ground . I told him that I HAD SEVERAL chances to sleep with different guys but SEX IS special to me .and it is. and always was. I NEVER slept with someone I didnt love. I dont even know how it feels to sleep with someone u dont love. he dont me he was single and hed go out to a bar, meet a girl. when he would say that i would scream , THEN **** HER RIGHT?" im so bitter and angry. and its ruining our relationship. the first few nights i couldnt stop thinking how he slept with these 9 girls. I started texting him hurtfful words. I KNOW he didnt cheat on me,,and i know it was before me. but it hurts. I also suffer at times with low self-esteem which I know it a huge factor in this. Please help me guys. I know IM WRONG. i KNOW it. I just need to see it. Please be gentle and give me some advice. I want to rescue our relationship before this situation kills it

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