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I am unlovable
Jul 30, 2014
I am not physically attractive.
I have horrible stretch marks, and loose skin from major weight loss (over 200 pounds lost and still fat) and my inner thighs are dark and marked, my upper arms sag like an old ladies and I have a weird bumpy ugly skin disorder on my legs and arms, .my hair is always dry and unhealthy from years of eating disorders/starving myself.

I have an above average looking face, good makeup skills, and when I am in a good mental space my personality is incredibly warm and friendly. Despite my weight, when fully clothed I attract not very nice men very easily hoping to cash in on my poor self esteem or incredibly lonely men who enjoy how much I love and cherish them.

After the initial infatuation stage,the men are no longer able to see past my physical flaws and they don't treat me the way I see my gf's being treated by their men. they don't look at me and touch me the way I know a woman should be looked at and touched.

I believe for a man to feel "in love" he must be physically attracted to his partner, at least for a large portion of the relationship until old age and Im not able to offer this to anyone because my body is really ugly and nothing short of expensive surgery can fix this.

When I can no longer ignore all the signs that he is not in love the depression starts to take control, because I question my self worth. I question why my personality is not enough to make these men find me attractive because I always find my partner very attractive when I am in love with him, even if he is physically ugly.

. It's not their fault I suppose but it is too much for me to cope with and I get snappy, My insecurity causes many fights which of course push them away more, the more they are pushed away the more insecure I feel and the cycle continues.

I gain weight, and my house gets messy I drop out of school and I become incredibly unattractive all around only compounding the problem.

I got married to a man who instead of leaving at this point, stuck around resenting that I was a fat, messy cranky person.
He was both physically and emotionally abusive for several years as I got worse and worse, until he left me for another woman and told me he had never loved me and always found me disgusting and that sex was a chore etc.
I was devastated and had a complete breakdown but I came out the other side of it healthier and happier than I had ever been after many years of working very hard to become someone *I* like..

then I met my bf online and we fell in love with each others personality.

I explained in detail to him my problem that men don't find me attractive and that it is important to me to be with a man who does and to please not waste my time if he wasn't going to find me attractive.
He would say things like "thats not important to me" but not actually say he was attracted to me. I knew this was a warning sign but chose to ignore it out of sheer loneliness and hope.

As usual the infatuation stage ended with him pulling away physically from me. he doesn't kiss me, or show any interest in sex. All the signs were there and I started to break down emotionally.

I have become really fat and messy and depressed over the last year and I don't blame anyone for not wanting to be with me

Several days ago I questioned him, are you in love with me?
Like my husband he has just told me he is not in love with me but worse he is claiming he never has been.
he loves me, but is not IN love with me and never has been though he very much wanted to be.

Like my x husband he is telling me that he is incapable of that sort of love now that he is a grown man and not a teenager and wants us to stay together.

I don't believe this for a second, he is just lonely and willing to settle "for now", and like my x husband I am certain one day he will realize how stupid that is, and leave to find someone to be IN love with.

Even if he doesn't it is a TERRIBLE feeling to know the man I am in love with does not feel the same way.

Again.

This keeps happening to me over and over.

My ugly body and depression are going to ensure I spend the rest of my life incredibly lonely and unfulfilled until I die.

I feel like someone has kicked me in the stomach, I have been hyperventilating and crying on and off when I am not sleeping 15 hours a day/night for several days now.

I think I have stolkholme syndrome, because this has made me love him even more and motivated me to lose weight and completely organize my home and treat him like a King.
Though I know from experience it will not change how he feels and only make me feel worse for having tried and failed.

I know it is melodramatic to feel this way but I genuinely just want to die.

I am unlovable.





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