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[QUOTE=Pamleina68;5309154]Lasting relationships are based on trust, honesty and sincerity. I believe you when you say the relationship with your ex is over. What I don't understand is why it's not over For You. What is it that keeps you focused on this past relationship? I know that when I have problems from past actions that affect my present, I need to remind myself that.. I live right here, right now. My past has influenced who I am, but it is the past. My future is unknown but I can plan for it. The key is that my past has influenced me, duh, but I don't live there anymore. If you bring that sadness, that guilt, that angst into your present then you are in a sense still living in the past. Somehow you need to make peace with your past, and I think it is YOU who needs the peace. Your new boyfriend sounds very kind and generous. Why can you not be kind and forgiving of yourself? I would love to see you let this go, and I don't know what exactly you need to do. It may be good to see a therapist for a while if you can afford it. Sometimes these emotions toward the past are related to other experiences we may not be aware of. One person suggested you write a letter and burn it. I personally think that's a great idea. When my marriage dissolved, I burned the marriage license and was somehow lighter as I watched the ashes float on the breeze. I hope you find your way to loving yourself. Then you will be free to love your current boyfriend in a much more profound way. Best wishes to you.[/QUOTE]

Thanks for your advice! I greatly appreciate it. I think the reason why it still looms over my head is because I feel completely guilty about my actions back then... especially when my bf now is soooo (SOOO) understanding.... and that whole break up with my ex was so life changing and scarring.

In addition to that.... I am a bit paranoid all these skeletons are going to get out of the closet... as alot of what had happened between me and my ex was through email/chat... and im scared it would get out (?).

For example, at the end of when i was able to cut it off and start progressing positively in my therapy... he kept asking me to sleep with him one more time as a secret and/or send him photos of myself. I did not sleep with him.. however i did send him photos (which i did mention to my current boyfriend when we discussed everything) and re-reading what i wrote back then... it was really bad and terrible. Also during this time he was beginning to talk with his current girlfriend (who he's been with i guess for a 1year+ ?) ... i guess i'm just scared she'll see his old email/chat messages ... or something like that. - see how terrible i was. To my defensive though.. when he kept asking me to sleep with him.. althought i did tell him a part of me wanted to... its bad because i wanted an honest relationship now and to move forward and hes dating his now-girlfriend.

So yeah, i think its the fear and guilt that keeps coming up.

I am thinking of going back to therapy also. I want to just move forward... but i think i'm always brought back
I hear the fear in your post, the fear that your 'bad deeds' will be discovered. Again, that word past is the key. You are afraid of being found out about cheating with your ex because you sent him pictures and seriously considered sleeping with him? What would happen if it did? You've told your current boyfriend about the old relationship. If your ex was starting to see his current girlfriend while you were still somewhat involved with him, then his new girlfriend probably knows too.

Still I'm left wondering. Why is this so bad? And why are you still re-reading that stuff? There is a connection there that I do not understand. To me, it sounds like you don't understand it either. Just that it's there for you and it's Big.

It would be good to get a professional's advice to help unravel this. It's clearly not something you can 'fix' on your own or you would have done that already.

I'm sure all this fear and anxiety is affecting your current relationship. It is clearly affecting you to a large extent. You are ruminating on your past deeds and unable to let go of your guilt and fear. It's time to move on, so find someone with the professional knowledge to help you.

You deserve to love yourself. All the love from other people will not fill that hole. It will only come from inside.

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