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Break up
Oct 19, 2014
I'd appreciate advice and thoughts on a recent break up. Some background:

I left my home country two years ago for a job based only 1.5 hours away. I sat next to a male colleague and we started dating almost immediately. We lived and worked together for two years. We were together 24/7. We are both now 29. I was the first girl he ever wanted to be in a relationship. Or so he says.

A few months ago, he quit work to focus on new opportunities. I supported him all the way, encouraged him. We made a good couple, but he did have trouble opening up and talking. But I was the same, I guess, because I'm not a needy person and I was engrossed in work and we just "fit". I helped him with everything, and he helped me a lot too. He was on antidepressants for 6 years and I encouraged to get off them. He did fine. In the last 6 months or so, he did start seeing a psychologist about some of his problems, which is good.

Overall, our actions spoke louder than words. All of our mutual friends would comment on how in love he was with me (the comment was: he's so in love with you, it's in his eyes). The only problem was also around 6 months ago, when he started talking about new opportunities abroad - I replied by saying "ok, let's make a list of countries where we can both apply for jobs". We almost broke up because he said he was unsure of the future - including our relationship. But he didn't want to break up, he still wanted to be with me. Things were good again and he would make encouraging comments about us being together, moving etc. Our agreement was to apply for jobs that appealed to us abroad, and that we would sit down and talk if something serious came up. We were happy.

Two months ago, he left for a work related trip and he was so emotional about leaving. We had nice romantic meals and really became close. He was very busy on his trip, but we talked most days. Then a serious job offer in my home country came up - I was at the final stage interview. And I got it. By this point, he had finished his work trip, but was staying with his parents for a few days before returning to me. But stupidly I told him about the offer on the phone and I was frustrated when he said "ok, let's keep talking." Here I have a huge break for my career and he didn't sound happy for me or enthusiastic to make it happen. So I asked him "are you coming?" and he eventually said it was too much of a big move for him, too much of a commitment. I was angry and upset so I told him things were over.

The next day, I called him and said "well, when you come back, let's talk - I was upset and impulsive" and he replied that this "was for the best". I couldn't believe what I was hearing. The day after, we spoke for four hours on the phone, opening up etc and he told me he loved me for the first time. I told him some of the things we needed to improve upon etc. It was a nice, liberating talk. He was crying a lot, sometimes hysterically, telling me how down he's been feeling about his career, and he was also crying about his depression and anxiety issues. He's always made comments like this, he said again that I am doing so much better than him, that he is "pathetic". I asked him to come home for us to talk about things, because I didn't even know if I wanted this job. He agreed.

But the next day, the day he was meant to catch his flight, he called to say that he still thought breaking up was for the best and that he didn't want to return and "lead" me on. He even said he didn't know if he was making a mistake - so I said again "well, come back, let's just make sure we're not making any mistakes here". I tried not to talk about the job, I thought we could talk about it in person. But I saw no issues. After all, this new job is in a country only an hour away, where he could also make a fresh start, seen as he doesn't have a job where we are currently. The new job is in a huge city where he would look for jobs, volunteer etc. Honestly, the wealth of opportunities for him would be staggering compared to where we are now. I also mentioned "how about long distance" because he had a course that he wanted to do in this same city, and at the time he said we could do long distance, but he changed his mind about it the course. He simply replied no, LDR wouldn't work and that we should end things. I couldn't believe he was saying this after the talk we had the previous night where he was crying and I was comforting him. It wasn't me crying and feeling sorry for myself. It was him. I was upset and told him not to bother coming back if his decision was made - after all, what was the point? Then he said he could return in a few days because he didn't feel well enough to catch the flight that day. I told him not to bother, because I was distraught.

Two days later, I emailed him a beautiful message, telling him we couldn't end things on the phone, after not seeing each other for two months. That we had to talk and whatever happens, will happen. That we had do this properly, because we have been together for two years. That it was normal for him to perhaps feel detached - we've been apart for months. He replied after a few days to say he was sorry for everything, that he wants me to be happy and that he doesn't know when he will be coming back. He said he would reply to my message in detail. But I messaged him saying I accepted his decision and that there was no need to reply in detail (I couldn't handle reading a message where he rejects me all over again). That was a week ago. I removed him from FB. I didn't wish him happy birthday a few days ago. Yesterday, I messaged the people we rent from to ask if we could terminate our contract by the end of December and also messaged him one line asking him to transfer his rent to me for this month because I paid it in full. He simply replied that he would. And that's it.

I just cannot believe he is too cowardly to come back, pick up his stuff and also to have spoken about things face to face. Yes, I shouldn't have told him about the job offer on the phone or made any impulsive decisions, but I regretted them immediately and told him so. He doesn't know I resigned and accepted this other job offer. I'm still applying to jobs to stay in this country too, there is a really good one, but the application process is long. I just can't believe what has happened and I feel so stressed with all the big changes happening.

My mom has come to visit because I'm all alone and was very upset. Most days I am OK and accepting of the situation - after all, I don't want to be with somebody who doesn't want me, who can't be happy for me, who can't meet me half way. Other days, it's a real struggle. My question is: how could he not come back? I love this man so much. I have a feeling he isn't going to come back for a while now, probably not until December. I remember him saying he wanted to take some exams so he could apply for courses back in his home country. I bet he's doing those now.

I had to tell some of our mutual friends because I was organising a surprise birthday party for him upon his return. I couldn't wait for him to return. I've never organised anything or done anything like this for a boyfriend before. But of course, I had to cancel it. And everyone is completely shocked. And I haven't asked anyone to comment on this, but all have also said he is making a terrible mistake and that he will regret his decision. But somehow, I don't think he will. He's probably had doubts for a while and probably feels relieved. He's "free" now to look to his future without me. Maybe he felt constricted, altho I never compromised his freedom - I always encouraged him to do whatever he wanted. It's tough, really tough. I love him, I really do. I also wonder if he realise the pain he's caused me by not returning just to talk in person and the lingering doubt of when he will return. I don't think I will want to see him now, after everything.

I don't know if I have any specific questions or requests for advice. I think this is just more of a rant and hope people can offer encouraging and positive thoughts.

Thanks.





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