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Relationship Health Message Board


Relationship Health Board Index


Let me start off by saying I was with my ex for 4 years, 1yr and 1/2 of that we lived together. We are each others person. We have ups and downs, highs and lows, but we've always managed to find our way back together. 1 year into the relationship, she decided to see if the grass was greener on the other side and left me for someone else. 3 months later she realized it wasn't greener and we got back together. We have been together for 2 1/2 years now without any incident, been engaged for the past 2 years as well. You must first understand that my girlfriend is what i've always called a wild horse, or free spirit. She has a fear of commitment, and at times finds herself feeling the "is this all there is" feeling. She's only 22 and I'm 27. The past few years she has settled down and really taken commitment seriously. However, we as a couple have fallen into a routine, and dullness..where we're comfortable and enjoy being with each other, but the excitement is gone. The sex is definitely gone. We both have said that we need to work on things and have explained to each other what we need from the other, but neither really put in the effort. We just assumed things would fix themselves. A few weeks ago we decided that we would try. I decided that I had to be a better partner…Although I do everything in the world for her..I realized that I don't woo her the way I did in the beginning, I don't go out of my way to make her feel excitement or passion. I have always been a jealous person, possessive, almost to the point where she has felt like she's been caged. I realized as well that in order to truly trust her and love her, I have to set her free to have a life that doesn't completely revolve around me.Let me also say that I recently quit a job that I was miserable at which made it where I wasn't an equal participant in our relationship as far as finances, and I know for a fact that added more pressure on her. I feel that the quitting my job thing and along with helping her get her freedom that she has never experienced, made it a lot easier for her to make the decision that she needed to be on her own. After this realization, I came home to visit for a week, and when I was intending to come home she started to get really distant, and would even ignore me for a day or two. I asked her what was going on with her, and she explained that in my absence she enjoyed being on her own. She enjoyed not having to answer to anyone or come and go as she pleases..She tells me she's 22 and has never truly experienced being on her own and just being independent. (I recently just helped her get her drivers license so that she could have complete independence). I then asked her what is was she wanted right now and she told me she honestly didn't know. I decided that the best thing I could do was to just move out and let her go. If needing to enjoy that freedom then I have to let her go and experience it. I let her know that I understood, even though I have already experienced my independence and freedom, I understand her desire to feel it for herself. I made it clear that I didn't want to let her go, but I know that she isn't the type to make a decision or herself, so I figured I'd make it for her. I also made it clear that I hope she enjoys her freedom and that I support her, but also that if and when she has had her fill, that I am still here. (I know that sounds like a not smart move) I however, see no reason for her to think that I don't love her and that I don't respect her decision. I am 27 years old and I know what I want, I know that I love her enough to let her spread her wings, and if she comes back I welcome her with open arms and if she doesn't I move on with my life. She hasn't wanted to speak to me much at all since breaking up. Honestly, the only thing that she has said was that she wanted to experience her freedom and that she wished she didn't have to lose me in the process. I'm now doing this "no contact rule" thing, and I'm not really sure how that will work. when she left me for someone else years ago, we didn't speak for 3 months and 1 day out of nowhere she contacted me…but the no contact thing is to accomplish 2 things..1. give her the space and the freedom that she feels she needs..she can't possible feel completely free if I'm blowing her phone up. 2. It lets her experience a world where I truly don't exist. I believe she needs that in order to know whether missing me will outweigh the freedom thing. However, I truly want her to get to experience this freedom and down the road work things out. I know that we will never have a functional, truly happy relationship until she figures out everything she needs to in her life. Along with the no contact thing, I'm currently getting in shape (something she suggested throughout our relationship), looking for a job that can allow me be where I want in my life which in turn will benefit our life if there is that again, and 3. I'm improving my look. Changing my style to something more mature and less athletic. I figure if I work on my wealth & my health, she'll see that I'm doing what I can to be a better version of myself. I want to show her as well as myself that I can be better. So I figure if the no contact thing, 45 days I'm doing and getting my life together will help her find her way back OR at least put me in a good place to be just fine without her. I guess my only question would be to people who have needed the freedom and needed space to find themselves. I'd love to hear the other person view on this. So if you've let go of someone you love in order to find yourself, please share your story. If you've been left for a woman that needed to be free and experience life a little without you, and managed to get her back..share your secret. Plus, any advice on my plan to either win her back or move on would be greatly appreciated.





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