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I'm starting to feel like I'm in a relationship where I'm being emotionally manipulated and verbally abused. I haven't been able to find a therapist who I click with. But I am at the point of utter frustration with my fiancé. We are fighting all of the time. We're going to be married in one month, and I am nervous that the way we fight and what goes on in our relationship is going to cause us to be very unhappy. I have made mistakes in our relationship and have lied to him or minimized things regarding past relationships that he has asked me about, but I feel that the way he reacts is disproportionate to the mistake I've committed. I also feel that some details don't need to be told and that I have a right to some privacy of my past.

He has asked me in detail about my past- my number of sexual partners, past boyfriends, how far things went in the relationship, etc. And then, when he's upset, he's used the information to criticize me and try to humiliate me. He's called me some really bad names, which no man has ever done to me before. I didn't feel I needed to reveal everything in detail to him, although looking back, I should've been more frank about my past relationships. Over the last six years, I've dated four different men pretty seriously. One guy was a rebound from a relationship and me and this guy talked about marriage and went so far as to move in together, although the relationship only lasted around two months. I minimized how far that relationship went- and that was wrong. However, the more he's found out about these guys, the nastier he's gotten. He makes racial slurs about them, talks about how ugly some of them were, pretends to gag when he imagines me sleeping with these guys, etc.

During the first two weeks that he and I were dating, I cancelled our second date with him and went out with another guy. My fiancé found out about this later and was furious. Again, I know it's wrong but he acted like I had cheated on him and could never be trusted. We weren't even two weeks into a relationship. It wasn't cheating but he treated it as such. Since then, things have come up like that I have an ex boyfriend on my Costco card and it was something I had totally forgotten about and he flipped out. When I told him I hadn't even remembered that I'd put that guy on my Costco card or had thought to remove him from it, he said the craziest stuff like, "Oh and so every time you drove by Costco, you didn't think about your ex boyfriend and that he was on your card. And all the times you two went shopping there together (which we didn't) and then going home after and you two making love." Crazy stuff like that. And of course, he says it all in this condescending, sarcastic tone.

Just for the record, he has lied about the following *having been married twice before. In the beginning of the relationship, he led me to believe they were ex girlfriends and not ex wives.
*having two children with these two exes
*his age. He said he was 38 on his dating profile. Turns out he's 43.
*he owes a lot in child support. He originally told me he didn't.

To him, these lies were not nearly as big of a deal as me having introduced past boyfriends to my parents and having discussed marriage with most of my past boyfriends. Um, isn't that why you date in your late 20's and early 30's? To find a spouse? Other things that he does that I have read and consider to be verbally abusive:

* I've said no to threesomes (MMF) and he says that he respects it but then brings it up all of the time inside and outside of the bedroom. The last time when I said I really didn't want one, he said I wasn't sophisticated enough for one.

*In anger, he's told me I have faulty genes and he can't imagine procreating with me.

I am at the point where my head is spinning. He and I have only dated for 6 months and I was so ready to rush into marriage with him because we do have a lot of really good things: great intimacy, we laugh like I have never laughed with anyone before, he's affectionate, he's good with kids, he's smart and speaks multiple languages, he's attractive. I just don't know though if our whole relationship is going to revolve around me doing something wrong, causing a huge fight, and then walking on egg shells for days after. Also, he's the type who will say things like, "Please God, make her smarter." Or he'll joke about having sex with other women and when I get upset, "oh my God. It's just a joke!" He also loves to insult anything that I have a strong affinity for- other cultures or languages that I love, etc. I'm wondering where to turn for answers and clarification. Maybe I need to continue my search of a good therapist. Our wedding date is coming up in a month. I have already postponed our wedding once and know that he would flip out on me if I tried it again. I wish there was a way to get clarification. My friends say listen to your gut, but part of me feels good about staying with him and having a family. Another part of me feels like we are going to have a broken marriage in a few years. I feel he doesn't respect me at times and that I have to walk on eggshells with the man. A part of me just needed to get this down on paper. Having a hard time focusing on my career and taking care of other areas of my life. We left this morning with him telling me in curse words to get lost and reconsider whether we should be together. Horrible way to start my day.





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