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Schizophrenia Message Board

Schizophrenia Board Index

Iím currently 36 years old living in a small town. Iím single with a dog and have zero friends. From the time I was a kid I knew I never fit in with the other kids. I would find much more value in my solitude than socializing in the sandbox. My imagination was outstanding, as I could play alone for hours on end living in an imaginary world that I built for myself to escape the cruel mean world outside that had discarded me as an outcast. As time went on and I grew from a child into a teenager, not much changed. I found myself idolizing tv shows about having a group of friends that went on crazy adventures and I pretty much lived my life through what I saw on tv. I read a lot of books and spent free time in the library reading and found solace in the strangest places. At one point I began to have delusions that I could control the weather and other people so I began down a path of practicing Wicca at age of 14. This continues until today. I always was able to tell what people were thinking or feeling just by listening and looking at them because I feel vibrational energy coming off of people and it affects me deeply. It wasnít until my 20ís I decided I needed help. The anxiety and loneliness I felt was out of control and I had nobody to share my thoughts with. I went through numerous counseling, electro shock therapy, medications etc. but then I started to have seizures (which I believe was caused by all these medications). So after my father passed in 2010 and I was awarded a large inheritance I really went off the deep end. I started hearing voices and smelling things and seeing things that werenít there. I embarrassed myself on multiple occasions talking to my landlord telling them someone was playing tricks on me by banging on my windows and talking about me inside my walls of the house. At night I would remain motionless in bed for hours on end fighting these voices until I would finally laugh and say f u and put a pillow over my head, roll over and go to sleep. I learned coping skills just by living with this for so long that to an average person they would think Iím a bit odd or eccentric but I guess people admire that these days. But putting on a good front for people can become exhausting for those who have schizophrenia. I spend the last 10 years in and out of mental hospitals, but they just stabilize you and send you home in a few days. Granted I had a job to hold down so it wasnít like I could be locked up for weeks or I would lose everything. So Iíll wrap this up. I recently decided that enough is enough and Iím going into counseling for CBT and Group therapy as well as working with my dr to try Abilify. Itís been about a week and half and Iím already seeing major improvements. Not to say the delusions are gone but I have some sense of what inner peace feels like. I could probably write a book about my life but nobody would read it because Iím just a small town nobody.

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