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Iím currently 36 years old living in a small town. Iím single with a dog and have zero friends. From the time I was a kid I knew I never fit in with the other kids. I would find much more value in my solitude than socializing in the sandbox. My imagination was outstanding, as I could play alone for hours on end living in an imaginary world that I built for myself to escape the cruel mean world outside that had discarded me as an outcast. As time went on and I grew from a child into a teenager, not much changed. I found myself idolizing tv shows about having a group of friends that went on crazy adventures and I pretty much lived my life through what I saw on tv. I read a lot of books and spent free time in the library reading and found solace in the strangest places. At one point I began to have delusions that I could control the weather and other people so I began down a path of practicing Wicca at age of 14. This continues until today. I always was able to tell what people were thinking or feeling just by listening and looking at them because I feel vibrational energy coming off of people and it affects me deeply. It wasnít until my 20ís I decided I needed help. The anxiety and loneliness I felt was out of control and I had nobody to share my thoughts with. I went through numerous counseling, electro shock therapy, medications etc. but then I started to have seizures (which I believe was caused by all these medications). So after my father passed in 2010 and I was awarded a large inheritance I really went off the deep end. I started hearing voices and smelling things and seeing things that werenít there. I embarrassed myself on multiple occasions talking to my landlord telling them someone was playing tricks on me by banging on my windows and talking about me inside my walls of the house. At night I would remain motionless in bed for hours on end fighting these voices until I would finally laugh and say f u and put a pillow over my head, roll over and go to sleep. I learned coping skills just by living with this for so long that to an average person they would think Iím a bit odd or eccentric but I guess people admire that these days. But putting on a good front for people can become exhausting for those who have schizophrenia. I spend the last 10 years in and out of mental hospitals, but they just stabilize you and send you home in a few days. Granted I had a job to hold down so it wasnít like I could be locked up for weeks or I would lose everything. So Iíll wrap this up. I recently decided that enough is enough and Iím going into counseling for CBT and Group therapy as well as working with my dr to try Abilify. Itís been about a week and half and Iím already seeing major improvements. Not to say the delusions are gone but I have some sense of what inner peace feels like. I could probably write a book about my life but nobody would read it because Iím just a small town nobody.
Dear Winterviolet,

You seem like a very articulate & honest person, and that you understand yourself very well. How did you do in school, grades, etc? I am just wondering. I am not asking about your socializing at school, as it seems clear that you didn't. I didn't feel safe to do that either.

My advice to you is [I]be your own best friend[/I].

That is always my advice. I was born into a family with money and prestige, but my father passed away when i was just five, and my mom was very emotionally challenged so she reverted back to her childhood experience and I learned early on to not 'exist'. I did not feel I fit in anywhere, so I lived within my own head in ways similar to what you did to survive. However in my 30's I realized that most or at least MANY if not most people are unsure of themselves, don't feel they fit in and so they hide themselves. In fact the ones that are the loudest or most obnoxious about who they are almost always are the [I]most insecure[/I]. Our family was moved from a big city to a very small community, and small towns really can be the worst for social ignorance and downright meanness. I was quiet and shy so I grew up feeling like there was something wrong with me, when what was really wrong was society and whole families that acted like they were better than other families, esp depending on how much money they had or didn't have. Unfortunately this attitude is an all too common human trait that has a negative impact on unsuspecting and developing children, as it did to me and also to you. I think we then grow up thinking there is something unusual or strange about us when really it has more to do with how we were treated by other people. Your understanding and recognition is mature and articulate. I think you do know what is going on. But thta you did as most children, and assumed it was about you. I think it was all about how you were treated.

I also believe that we can let ourselves face the pain and degradation of it and forgive (for our own sanity's sake), and move on in developing our unique talents and our lives.

In my 30's, I found a therapist that merely taught me to relax and open up, which I did with his expert & attentive help and I realized we human beings are not so different at all. We all have insecurities, and we all can learn to accept ourselves and to choose who to be involved with and in what manner. Not all people are 'safe' people, as you well know. It depends on how accepting they are of their own humanity and what kind of belief system they choose. I chose to believe in a good and just God that made me who I am, in the family into which I was born, and that we each have unique and inherent value, and that it is up to each one of us to be the best self we can be, and to treat ourselves and others the way we would like to be treated.

That is a decision only we can make for our own selves. You can heal. You can let go of the past, you can go confidently into your present life and so also into the future.

You are important to me. You ARE someone.
Bless you sweetheart!

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