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Schizophrenia Message Board

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Hello Everyone:
Well, I've had four experiences in my life that I can only categorize as some sort of halucination. First when I was about 5, I was sweeping the steps that went down to our back yard, when I got to the last step I felt what I believed to be God petting my head. I was filled with joy and ran up to the kitchen to tell my mom, but when I opened the door I saw a very bright light, so I closed the door out of fright then opened the door again very slowly and peered inside; the kitchen was back to normal. My father was very religious, so I don't know if this was a factor in all of this. When I was 8, I moved to Massachusetts, because my mom re-married and my new step-dad was from that state. When we arrived, I was placed in a boarding school, because I think my mom and step-dad wanted to be alone. I was there for a little over a month. I hated being there and one time during recess, I was laying on top of some tall monkey bars. I was looking down at the pavement feeling sorry for myself. I felt like nobody loved me, but then I thought, "hey, God loves me!" Then I thought, if I throw myself down to the pavement (10-feet below), will God allow me to get hurt; I then thought, the Bible says you should not tempt God, but I thought, "I don't care, I want to know if God loves me enough to not let me get hurt" so I threw myself down to the pavement and landed face first on the ground. When I landed, I felt like I hit a bag of air that cushioned my fall. I was not hurt and I became elated. I now had proof that God loved me. After this experience, I was happy for the remainder of my stay at the boarding school. I have never been able to explain how this happened. I think I'm giving too much detail and making this posting too long - I apologize for that; I will be more brief now. At around 10 I saw what I believed to be Jesus Christ in my room. He was dressed in white like he is depicted in all the bible stories. I started looking at him from his feet up. When I got to his face, he disappeared. I was disappointed that I did not get to see his face. When I was 13, I was at a family party when I looked at a wine glass and saw it (in my mind) fall to ground and shatter. About 5-minutes later someone accidentally hit the glass causing it to fall and shatter. I could not explain this and do not know what relevance it had to anything. Those were my four experiences. I have a brother who is 4.5 years older than me who was diagnosed as being Paranoid Schizophrenic when he was around 19. When he was a little boy, he used to cry at night claiming that he saw the devil. He used to say that the devil was under his bed poking him with a pitch fork. When my mom would come into his room and turn on the light, he would say that the devil ran into the closet. I slept in the same room as my brother and remember wanting to see what he saw, but I never did.

When my brother started college he thought that the government was trying to control his thoughts (he thought they were experimenting on him - he called it "The system") and that my mom had given the government the approval to do this. He began to hear constant insults and was always angry. He finally ended up in a mental hospital and was put on medication. He has since been on a number of medications including Haldol, Risperdol and Clozaril. He does not believe that he has a mental illness and so he eventual stops taking his medication (because of the sever side effects) and ends up back in the hospital. He seems to be worse off after each recovery. The on-again and off-again of meds seems to really tax his body and mind. The Clozaril made him gain about 150 pounds and all he did was spend his day in bed. My brother has suffered greatly with this horrible condition and I have been searching for some kind of cure, which has been very difficult since to try something new, he would have to get off his current meds . . . anyway, yesterday he started hearing the voices again. I heard him having an argument with someone. I asked him who he was arguing with and he said "the devil" I asked him what is he saying to you and he said, "he says he hates me." I told him, well tell him you hate him too! We were out in public (in a restaurant), so this started to cause a scene. I didn't care, because I am soooooooooooo sick of his torment that I want to get to root of it. Anyway, we were asked to leave the resataurant . . . well to make a long story short, my brother is back in the hospital. I didn't get a chance to talk to him the way I wanted. This was the first time that he told me what he was hearing and I wanted to dwell into this deeper so that I could understand what he was hearing and the type of responses that he would get from the voices, but I did not have the opportunity. I wanted him to understand that the voices' threats are powerless. I wanted to tell him "ask the voices what they are going to do and tell them to go ahead and do it" They can't do anything. They can't hurt anybody. They are powerless. I believe that they feed off his fear and anger. I wanted to see what affect him understanding this would have on his audible haluciantions, but I did not have the chance to do this. I cannot visit him at the hospital for 3-days. I'm sure that the doctors have overmedicated him into a zombie state, which is usually what they do when he ends up in the hospital. They over-medicate him until he gets down to a controllable level.

I recently ran into a friend who is a Spiritualist. He believes that peoples' brains are like radio stations. Some people can tune into frequencies that others cannot. He believes that the voices my brother hears are actually spirits that roam the earth (or something like that). He says if I go to a Spiritualist center that I can learn more about this. At this point I don't know what to think.

My brother's condition has caused me to question many things including God. The doctors says that my brother has a chemical imbalance. If that is true then all we are as humans is a sum of proteins and enzymes; how then can humans be held accountable for doing what's right and wrong if we don't have control of our biology?

Why did my brother end up being schizophrenic and not me? I have had experiences in my life that are not normal, yet I am sane.

Tomorrow I am visiting a Spiritualist center to see what they are all about. Maybe they'll have some answers. If anyone is interested, I'll report back what I find out.

Sorry for the extremely long posting.

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