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Schizophrenia Message Board


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i had a visual hallucination just once and it was drug induced. i was on a boat and some people were smoking (just grass i think) and i had some too but it reacted really badly with me --- first everything auditory started to go softer and louder like someone is just turning the volume up and down/up and down but with that visually i seemed to sort of zoom in and out/in and out of where we were... so i asked to go and lie down as part of me was conscious and clear and capable still then - and then all sorts of pink cartoon characters came out of everywhere in front of me and i was very scared because part of me understood it was a hallucination but i also wasn't sure when it was going to stop (if ever) or if i was going to be mad for the rest of time... i started shouting (this bit i don't remember so well - but so they tell me) and i do remember thinking it was vitally important that people realised that i was still 'in there' despite my mad exterior i kept on saying "i'm still here" over and over again.
and then when we got to the dock i wouldn't get off the boat because i didn't believe what i was seeing - it didn't look familiar and i didn't trust myself and thought in fact i would be just stepping into the middle of the ocean and would drown. but what helped me was that although visually things were peculiar - people's voices were the same and i just listened to my friend speaking and asked him not to stop speaking (so he sat there for two hours) i wouldn't let him leave as i was so scared. eventually it finished and everything felt a bit back to normal but i was shaken and after that have a huge doubt about the veracity of everything - to the point where i often believe that i am not in fact alive/that i died on the boat and this is just a figment/or that i am in a coma and must fight to get back to my real reality --- stupid thoughts like that.

apart from that i had one experience of an auditory hallucination when i was under a huge amount of stress about making a certain decision and one morning i HEARD this voice - it wasn't in a dream, or the sort of voice i use to talk to myself all the time, it was definitely different and it told me to 'do it now'.... which i did - i made the decision; i was probably going to go that way anyway but what scares me is that often you read that these voices are 'bad' more often than not and i feel a huge amount of guilt over the decision i made (although no remorse because i am so relieved not to be in the situation i was) but i feel guilt and that i have to atone for that decision but i don't quite know how. and one thing that still bothers me now is - that voice where it was from (whether it was a voice from God - like the Eli story in the Bible - or from the Devil - all those people who are 'told' they must kill x etc. or from neither).

it still worries me - and the worst thing is that since making that decision i haven't been able to pray because i am consumed by guilt (but given the choice i would make the same decision again so i can't ask for forgiveness because i feel no remorse over my choice just guilt) and every time i start to try to pray to God i just can't get any further than the first line of the Lord's prayer before i have to give up - i just don't feel that i have the right to pray anymore and i wish so much that i could.

cj





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