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Schizophrenia Message Board

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I am a schizophrenic on abilify at present, 15mg a day. I'm 16 years old, and live near London.

I feel I'm reaching the end of my teather, I'm feeling that it's just too much everytime I have symptoms. I don't know if I can take the pain anymore, I don't know if my loved ones can either.

Now I don't want to put a burden on anyone, nor sound pathetic. But I just can't handle this for much longer. I have quite severe symptoms like command hallucinations that put my life and the life of others in danger, and I just couldn't live if I hurt the people i love so much anymore than the illness does already.

I'm trying to write a book about my previous hospitalisation and it seems to help me deal with it, but it's painful at the same time. I've got a new girlfriend, whom I am crazy about like never before, and I've had serious relationships before. I know I'm "only" 16 but I grew up fast, and I believe she is the one.

I am SO scared of hurting her like I hurt everyone else. I've felt I've been told to break her heart, to claw her aswell, but I just can't let her go. She accepts the illness and has read what I have written of the book, but I am scared she doesn't know how serious it is.

My mother is crumbling, shes heading for a nervous breakdown and has even said (I don't think she meant it) that either I leave the home or she does.

My psychologist is away for two weeks and I don't feel I can talk to my psychiatrist. Things are just getting so out of hand that sometimes I feel everything would be better, and everyone would be better off, if it all ended. I've rang the samaritans several times but none seemed to believe me. One told me to go to bed to "sleep it off".

I'm hoping someone out there is or has been in this position before.. and can lend some words of advice to keep me going that extra bit longer. I thank everyone that even thinks about replying, and appreciate any help 100%.

Thank you so much,

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