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Okay,

Im probably just worrying unnecessarily but, I wasn't sure if I had some problems that could relate to schizophrenia.....

I found out that my mother has schizophrenia, by figuring it out on my own.
She told me about her symptoms, which I didn't think much of for several years. But I just recently learned she is in fact ill, and had to remind her that her delusions were not real.

I had a lot of issues from childhood which I feel I have resolved recently, but I wasn't sure whether I am "mentally Ill'' Or not...
I sometimes think out loud, that is talking about what Im thinking, but not a conversation with myself.

I had a nasty form of developmental crisis about a year ago which I had some spiritual reaffirmations with life and was terribly concerned with having sexually transmitted diseases. I also had some insomnia, depression and general poor self esteem for about 3 months.

I sometimes see weird blue colored transparent "spot" on the left-side of my range of vision that fluctuates slightly. It kind of disturbs me.

I had been molested by a friend (nobody knew) but had partially repressed it, and I had sexual identity problems between 17-21 which I thought I was "gay" but could not associate or relate to gay men at all. I associated with mostly straight people and considered myself as straight. I had a hard time feeling good about myself in being attracted to women, because I felt ashamed of sexual activities with men. It was mostly a deep shame thing, like I was hiding an "ugly secret" (this later caused me to freak out about being ill with a sexual transmitted disease). I don't really feel this anymore, but I read this can be a problem with schizophrenics. although they usually can't decide whether they are men or women.

I also used to smoke marijuana up until 3 years ago, but decided to stop along with being sexually active because I felt really bad about my situation and kind of hopeless. I think the drugs contributed more to being self-medicated and such.

Oh yeah, my dad died a long time ago,which made the situation way worse, and fractured the family somewhat, especially for my brother.

I also withdrew slightly from the friends I knew. I would act kind of cold to them, and lost touch with some people for long periods of time. I never had problems making friends, but I just never let anyone really close to me. At least not until now....

I also had pretty bizaare thoughts, like, superstitious silly thoughts. They weren't hallucinations or anything, but I had spent some times being kind of obssesed with astrology, or "synchronicity" and events coinciding together. I also used to think I could find "treasure" on the sidewalks, or stuff like that. I also had arrogant beliefs about my skills as an artist, and got caught up on whether I was a reincarnation of some dead artist or another, and would read biographical data about famous artists for insight about my own life.

I sometimes have problems dealing with stress, which I happened to be under a lot of it since the worst of my problems began....

Im also an artist, and rather unconventional, which makes me concerned that I might "go crazy" or something

I had some rare troubles establishing boundaries with people, who sometimes were bad influences on me. I had been working for a psycho a year ago and that was when I had the "freaking out" incident which seemed to explode over a matter of days. I felt perfectly fine, and I did something rather embarrasing and risky which made me really, really scared that I "ruined my life" or was being self-destructive, because I was still resolving issues, .....but I think that was a critical period for me in figuring out a whole lot about myself. I was isolated from a sister who revealed alot about my own origins and soon dispelled many of my issues and fears about myself and started to feel whole again.

My mother made it very difficult for me to grow properly because of her illness. She rarely ever talked about family, made really weird logical connections to stuff I couldn't comprehend, and I didn't hear much or anything about my own past,etc which was really, really important to my own identity.

I pretty much decided later on that I had to seek out my own solutions, re-establish connections with my relatives and stay on good terms with my brother, who left home a long, long time ago because of my mom.

I also realized I was the ultimate master of my own destiny, and nobody can "fix" my problems, which I used to wish would happen.

Overall, I did alright throughout my worrysome times. i got a college degree and am still trying hard to break into Entertainment (which looks pretty good lately).

I did actually see a therapist, for 4 months about 2 years ago and then again for 2 months a year ago. He never seemed to think I had schizophrenia, but maybe some obsessive disorder. Either way, I got tired of talking to him, he really gave me some lame advice which wasn't providing me with any worthwhile results. I decided to deal with my problems by myself.

Im mostly worried about my mom, because I know she will probably not be able to really support herself. She really can pretent to be normal in front of people, she just always seems kind of strange. She does get jobs, and is pretty functional but she has such a poor self image of herself, she always works really menial jobs yet she has a college education. I pretty much came to the conclusion a long time ago that the rest of the family will have to take care of her until she dies. I hurts a little, but I accepted it. I am just annoyed that she chooses to live like a vagrant. Her symptoms mainly consist of paranoia, thinking people are watching her or following her. She also believes the TV plays shows that "talk" about her. She behaves kind of innapropriately during social situations, and talks repititively about certain things, and forgets rather important facts when talking to people....

I do feel really good about myself nowadays, and aside from normal stress, little bothers very much anymore. I think I already answered alot my own questions though.I can't think of anything else to write, and I'm tired now, so good night. I just wanted to know what other people think of my situation.





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