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Cage...

I went thru something like this years ago after I had gotten off of a thirty year addiction to booze and pot and pills. It was diagnosed by some doctors as a schizoeffective, or schizoid disorder, I don't remember which anymore. I left the hospital without going on medication and had a difficult time for several years afterwards. Not only did I believe people could hear my thoughts (because it did seem like so much more than coincidence to me), but I believed words had different meanings when they were spoken to me... Yes sometimes meant no, write meant ride, go meant stay, etc etc... I had to be very careful not to act upon what people were saying to me when I believed that certain words had other, secret meanings..

The way I got rid of thinking that people could hear my thoughts was that I just got sick and tired of always flinching and trying not to think "bad" things about the people I was talking to. I finally said screw it and just thought the "bad" embarassing things. I thought them at people and just ignored the thoughts and talked through them as if they didn't matter. If I was thinking "**** you" (or "**** God") at someone that I was having a pleasant conversation with, I just allowed myself to think it and kept up the outside nice conversation. After a while I began to notice that even if people could read my thoughts what I was thinking didn't seem to affect them in any way. And then I was finally able to accept that probably they couldn't read my thoughts, but only after I kept noticing that these rotten, embarassing thoughts didn't have any real effect on the people I was talking with, only on myself.
And then one day I just sat down alone for several days and wrote out all of these "foul" thoughts. I let anything come into my head, no matter how "dirty" or "disgusting" or "bad" it was, I allowed ANYTHING to come in, and wrote it all down. All of it. I didn't show it to anyone but just burned the writings and felt a tremendous sense of relief afterwards. Because I had thought that "God" or "others" would punish me for thinking these things, but NO, that did not EVER happen!
I also used to curse at "God" (or "Jesus") in my head something fierce, and then I realized that maybe even this was some sort of strange way that my spiritual Higher Power had of helping me, that It was showing me that It loved me so much it could accept these harsh thoughts and not punish or reject me in any way, only love me.

This all worked for me. The "evil" thinking has gone away and stayed mostly away now for years, with only an occasional return and this not more than once a year or so. But of course in my case I've also had to stay clean and sober, in order not to wreck my mind again.

Regards, and hang in there buddy, it will get better,
Greywoulf





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