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Ive read this thread with much interest having come across the site by typing internal voices in ******. This is going to be a long and very interesting post, so please bear with me.

Firstly, Ive heard voices since the age of 16, however Ive not just heard them, Im in permanent thought interaction with them and have worked with them, or rather they have worked with me since I was sixteen. I hear them quite legibily and its been an unusual relationship over the years. I like some here have never been diagnosed schizophrenic and do not agree that I am schizophrenic, yet I do go through lots of similarities asscociated with the label of schizophrenia that doctors that dont hear voices have labled the condition.

I`ll start from the beginning and hope that some of you gain some understanding out of this post as I have out of yours.

When I was five years old conciously, I was a child just beginning to develop self awareness. I knew there was something different about me at that early tender age. I questioned reality frequently without fully understanding what exactly I was questioning but with thoughts that were deep and not what you would expect from a 5 year old. I`d pinch myself and analyse touch and the question the reality of touch. I was deeply curious. I felt different from other children at infant school, very different thoughtwise. I used to imagine regularly that I was the only real person in the world and that I was being put through some kind of "test" - that people in my viewpoint were there interacting with me as part of this test and that when they were out of earshot or viewpoint - they didnt really exist. As you see deep thoughts for a child of 5.

As I got older feeling of being "different" became more apparrent, but not only from myself feeling different from other kids, other kids, I could see, reacted differently to me. Paranoia, you could say, but after reading my story, you might tend to think differently.

During my younger years from around 7 onwards, I had quite a few strange experiences. I used to go into fugue`s - vivid states of conciousness, where I`d be kind of not really there for minutes. These were nice states and I could go into them with ease. One day, in this type of fugue, I was vividly staring into the metal sides of a gas fire and it all happened quite strangely - I saw cars smashing into each other - minutes later I was back in a normal state. The radio was on and a news update on the hour came on and there had been a serious car crash pileup on the M62 motorway. Could have been coincidence. Another time I was stood at a bus stop - the different busses would appear from the distance from up a hill and around a corner. I named the next bus number before it came around the corner, then the next, then the next and continued naming all the bus numbers before they appeared. A woman was astounded and said something to my mum about it.

It could have looked at this point, like my feeling of being "different" could look like I had some developed psychic skills and whilst this in fact true enough, there is more asscociation with the label psychic and the label schizophrenic as you will learn.

My life as of 13 took a strange turn of events, sister developed leukemia, mum and dad divorced, I ran away from home alot and eventually ended up in care. Mixing with the wrong people, I started to sniff glue.

This was a facinating experience for me to experience being whisked off to a strange world where weird things would happen, similar to dreaming but far better and so vivid, like starring in a strange alternate reality movie. I continued sniffing glue from 13 to 16 regulary and at 16 I was moved from care into a flat of my own.

It was whilst not on glue, that I heard the music for the first time. It was beautiful - harmonic - like angels singing in heaven. It seemed to be coming from outside and beyond the clouds somewhere. I heard this music a few times and my curiosity was captured ( and [B]captured[/B] is what I became ) The music began to irritate me, because I was analystic, I wanted to know where it was coming from and I was puzzled that it seemed to be outside, but I couldnt determine it as a sound that should be there. One day I stuck my fingers in my ears to block it out and it was then I learnt the truth. It was coming from inside my head. I was amazed / curious / puzzled, so many thoughts and questions but I could not deny it was internal now.

Again while not on glue, I`d stick my fingers in my ears at [B]night[/B] ( interestingly - and there`s a possible explanation for more voice activity at night explained later ) - and eventually I started to hear the voices.

It was like a party was going on inside my head, faint but audible, people talking to each other. With my fingers still in ears I began to make contact by saying hello and over the weeks I was being talked back to. I cant remember the conversations exactly but to most of my questions, they replied " Be happy with what you know now" I was to hear this phrase alot for some time to come. They`d sometimes tell me snipets of things that were going to happen - and they did happen. This had me hooked - it was their control, as I`d continually ask them things, so building up a constant interaction with them.

I continued with glue sniffing, as I so enjoyed my adventures of the mind, however the format of hallucinating began to change. Normally I`d sniff and whisk off into some alternate situation/adventure for 15 minutes or so, but something was wrong - nothing was happening. In a nutshell the voices took over the format. I learnt it was them that were creating all these vivid hallucinations. They now would make me wait and speak and interact with me on glue. They tell me to relax - or tell me where they wanted me in the room for their created visual effect to be realised. They constantly interacted with me from then on, and then in my normal state off glue, I found that my conciousness had developed to be thinking internally in conversation with them all the time rather than thinking alone. Id not always understand what they said back as its hard to hear them when they want it to be hard. They / I developed another system because it was hard to hear them sometimes. They`d move my head up and down for yes side to side for no and a few other little signs. Most of the time it was "be happy with what you know now!"

They continued working with me on glue till the age of 25. During the years they`d give me snippets of events that were about to happen, always to keep my curiosity enticed - [B]control[/B] This made me think more deeply about clairvoyance, and that clairvoyants voices were exactly the same thing only the person was being used in a different way.

Within their work with me, over the years, I began to learn more about multiple personality. They would "interface" a different persona in me and they would call it a "changeover" To try to explain it as Ive learnt - we all tend to look at ourselves as human beings 5ft 6 inches or however tall - in reality we are a minute being / cell / persona interfaced with the main computer being our brain. As the brain is a computer, when a "changeover" occurs or a change in mood / persona - a different being / cell is then interfaced as the main body - the brain carries on as normal, so we still think we are the same us because the brain tells us this.

They experimented with me over the years interfacing and allowing me to analyse the "changeovers" Id begin to notice the subtle difference in the change - and they`d comment on this as I began to understand what was happening. They`d interface sometimes really horrible things and my brain would feel pressure and it would be hard to think properly.

Id also notice with changeovers that people would react differently to me. I began to notice when a "bad feeling" pressure type persona was in me, people would cough as I walked past. Treat me a bit more nastily. began to think it was paranoia but as time developed I began to learn there was more too it than paranoia. I was made to learn that it was like a camera flash captures red-eye in a photo - others subconscious could see something in your eyes when a something bad was interfaced. This went on for a few years as they continued working on me with different personas. The coughin from people - that knowing look - that different reaction was far too coincidental to be paranoia, but sometimes they`d interface the bad type for long periods and then a good type and people would treat me great - sometimes it was like I was a star that everyone knew who this hallucinaut was - a term the voices created. This is the famous guy whose being controlled but is learnin about the "real us" inside humans.

They`d experiment alot with shock treatment at nights, always when I was in bed. Most of the time the shock was sort of nice and they tell me when to expect it. Is it a coincidence that psychiatrists use or used to use shock treatment on people labelled with schizophrenia??? The shocks became more and more constant and are still a nightly thing today, but became less nice an experience.

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