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Schizophrenia Message Board

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BPD, me?
Jul 8, 2005
I've never been really good at explaining what goes on in my head, I'm going to try to do as good a job as I can, please bare with me, I would really like some answers.

For a really long time I knew there was something odd with me, not wrong exactly, but just, odd...not right. I've always been told that I'm 'just bright', but that doesn't seem like a good enough answer for me.

I think I have bipolar disorder, as well as a schizophrenia possibly...I'll explain.

I have buzzing in my head. Things that move to fast for me to catch on to so I just let them run, I get little bits of it sometime, but I couuld never explain what it was. I guess the best way would be like a television set whirring channels past you to the left, always, faster and faster, then just....stopping on a point and continuing...before you realize it, and then you've got this idea in your head that you can't fully put together because it's been yanked from you. So you're always wondering what that thing is.

Another thing is my moods, which are usually always in the extremes. I'll be happy, extatic, then something, slight which shouldn't have bothered me will send me crashing down. Other times I'll be sitting silent [which is my 'off' mode, it's also the way I cope with being yelled at], and I'll get one single thought in my head which will send me on a suicidal rampage, crying and screaming to the ceiling to kill me. Then I'll start laughing histerically before going back to sitting silent.

One occasion occurd when my family was in the transition of houses and we were living in an apartment. My bedroom being to hot for me, I'd spend most my time on the couch. Well, I was laying, listening to my cd player [the only way I can sleep is with music, otherwise it will take me hours and I'll usually end up crying] which was a new cd. A song came on that just captivated me, sent me off to another being that is only triggered by a certain type of music [or the consumption of my blood which is another story entirely] which will play on repeat until it is done with whatever it wanted to do. This particular night, I started to laugh uncontrollably, noisless but I was sure that I could still be heard so I clasped my hand over my mouth as tight as I could, but something inside me was still laughing so I continued. After, with my mouth still on my hand, without thinking I began nawing on my wrist, intent on breaking the skin. I got pretty far but I snapped out of whatever it was and went to bed.

I'm no stranger to foreign embodyments, but that is not the topic at hand. I still haven't discussed my bipolar tendencies.

recently [though this is an 'on and off' sort of thing], I have been without sleep or fatuige. I have been going to bed, though because my sister is prone to staying up to un-godly hours of the morning and it is my job to set an example in telling her it isn't right. Also [and it may just be the summer] but I've been feeling very bored and antsy, uncontent with anything I do [I don't even want to be writing this], I want to do things, spur of the moment type of things that usually get shot down or declined for other things, sending me off to another anger cycle.

I've never been able to speak properly, I'll be speaking, then in my head I will think of a word that would better suit the sentence than the word I had orignally planned to say, thusly messing up my entire sentence there after. I will go through about ever word I know in search of the right one, although rarely get the desired word. I slur and jumble words togetherr because my mind is going so fast and I'm thinking about a million different things plus being concerned about the whirring in the back of my head it makes me go very fast in all aspects and I screw things up [like right now if you haven't noticed I've forgotten to use any kind of punctuation and I have mistyped about 1 out of 3 words [although I've fixed them]]. Along with that, I tend to blurt out things that slip through the cracks of what I was planning to say or was already going to say without me noticing. This gets people to thinking I'm not as intelligent as I am and that frustrates me to no end, there after I usually get very quite and/or refuse to speak to said person completely.

I've never been a big fan of morals. I don't beleive in what half people think as morally right and that gets me in trouble more times than not. People's views on religion and polotics don't really mean anything to me. Especially murder, I don't really know why that is wrong. I'm fascinated by serial killers, even wanted to be one but decided [though not fully] that a children's book illustrator and writer would probablly be more fufilling. What I think is funny [like going to a Claire's like store and laughing at the children who are getting their ears pierced when they cry] is not most people's idea of funny.
I'm very harsh to people who are stupid. I'll openly mock people who I don't deam up to my standards or connect to my views. Athority figures like teachers, or store employees mean nothing to me whatsoever, and I've often been in trouble for giving them trouble [I almost got one fired for giving me flak about always being late]. Teachers, especially I hate and will not hesitate to set them in their place. People who are employed to serve me are under my most cruel of emotions, rude ones will more often than not get a full verbal beating from me.

I also hallucinate. Little things mostly, but for the longest time I would see a man outside of windows late at night. This only escalated when a very good friend of mine told me she saw the same person. At the time I was very into witchcraft and psychic abilities [which I DO have the ability to read people's minds]. I tapped into her past life and that sent me on a 'trip' where I saw into her childhood with the man outside the window [which she confirmed was 100% accurate] and saw things crawling on my walls [I called them fearies at the time but I don't know what they were]

Paranoia is another big thing for me. I'm terrified of people coming into my house, or people who are lurking in my closet. I'm terrified to have my feet uncovered at night in my bed. There is a television in my bedroom that for whatever reason shines a soft light even if it hasn't been on in weeks. I can't have my back uncovered if I'm not up against a wall [which I'm usually fine with a pillow on my back]. In fact I've never been able to have my back exposed, especially if I'm in a position where people are behind me.

These are just SOME of the things that go on, I might continue with the other things but only if what I've said is too vague to really confirm it.

Thanks to anyone who has some insight.


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