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Schizophrenia Message Board

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thanks for the replys.. actually i dont know if i have a fam history of it because i was adopted and have no contact with my birth parents..

i have used drugs before (weed) when i was in my teens and few times during my early 20s..but it wasnt a daily thing probably like 30 times total and i havent touch it in a long while and dont plan to again..

i was however drinking when i had the first anxiety attack which from what i have been reading can cause anxiety to get worse in ppl that are prone to it.. and i always have been an anxious person.. i have not drank any alcohol since then..

OCD sounds more like it may be my problem because i do have a hard time getting thoughts out of my head and i will dwell on them ( and its always the bad thoughts never the good ones) like when the anxiety first hit me i was having these stupid thoughts that my food was contaminated.. like any of it even stuff like a box of crackers i had eatin out of the day before.. it got to the point that i couldnt eat anything for a few days.. because i was sure something was in there.. in the back of my mind i knew it was stupid because i have been eating all my life and never had a problem but the thought was so strong i gave into it.. that phase passed ( or atleast got weak enough to deal with) because i finally got so hungry i had to eat something and it seemed to break the cycle of that thinking.. but it took some time of me sitting there for a few hours after eating something i thought may be contaminated waiting for something to happen.. in my mind i had this idea that if nothing happend after 2 hrs of eating it it was ok... and i would actually check the clock and time it.. lol seems silly to me now but it didnt at the time..

there are still sometimes where i wont eat something i just bought because the box or bag looks like it may have been tampered with after i get it home.. for example: i will actually stand there and check the safety caps on the pickle jars in the store before i find one that meets my approval even if every one i check is still sealed its like i am looking for the perfect jar... its stupid and i hate it even when i am doing it i think to myself "this is so dumb people buy these every day and eat them and nothing is ever wrong with them" but sometimes i just cant shake the thought something just may be wrong with one of them...

so i definitely have some issues there..

nope i dont think any one person or thing is out to get me.. i mean when i am worried about the contamination of my food i dont have a set person or thing i am thinking of that did it i just think "what if some person at the factory put something in there or what if one of the cooks at the restaurant put something in my food.. its never anything like "hey this guy is trying to get me!"

actually you know now that i have been writing all this out and really thinking about it.. i think its been there for quite a few years just not to this intensity.. i remember a few years ago when the flu was going around in my area i was so scared i was going to get it i would obsess about it and actually make myself feel sick because i couldnt stop worring about it.. like if i was out in public and i walked by someone that was sneezing or seemed sick i was sure i probably just caught it.. and would then worry about it more until enough time went by that i felt it wasnt a possibility any more...

oh and also the anxiety is always at its worst when i am worring about something or dwelling on a thought of "what if" or "oh man i must have this wrong with me".. if i am not worring about anything or not having a repetitive thought i cant seem to shake the anxiety is very manageable..

sorry this was so long... call it thinking out loud.. or typing out loud ;)

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