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Schizophrenia Message Board

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Aw! Thanks so much, CuriousLearner! That was very sweet of you! :D I definitely think that it's OCD-related. The whole thing with you crossing yourself- OMG! That's soooo me! This is the only noticeable compulsion that I have: whenever I think of a blasphemous thought such as "I hate God" or something equally horrible, I cross myself repeatedly and mentally say, "Forgive me, God," and "Forgive me, Jesus" over and over again until it "feels right" to stop and I have been repented. As I have said before, many people who start having obsessions, especially those like you and me who have sexual, violent, or blasphemous obsessions, begin to think that they're schizophrenic because they can't understand why they would be thinking these awful things unless they were possessed or going "crazy." I know that I felt the exact same way when I began having severe obsessions- I thought that the Devil must be making me think these things because why else would I say such horrible things about God and my loved ones? I find it interesting that you described that you've never heard voices, but you feel that something evil is making you think these things because that is EXACTLY how I used to feel! Still, the important distinction here is that, even though we may think that we're possessed, we know that the thoughts are coming from inside OUR mind and nobody's transmitting the thoughts from a radio or something. So, we just think we're possessed because there's no other seemingly logical explanation for our bizarre, intrusive thoughts, but in reality, we don't really believe that we're possessed, but it's too hard to actually come right out and say, "These are my own thoughts," because that makes us think that we want this stuff to happen, which is false. It also fascinates me that you mentioned how you clutched the cross to keep the "demons" away because when my OCD was really bad, every night, I would make my mother close my door completely. She didn't know this, but I thought that at night, with my door closed, I was safe from the "demons." The "demons" of course were the obsessions, which only would go away at night after I was asleep. Every night before bed, I would be forced to confess all of my sinful thoughts to my mother, and afterwards, I felt cleansed and pure, and I didn't want to take any chances that the "demons" would return and soil my newly cathartic soul. You also say that you think something is lingering constantly- I had something similar as well. I didn't think that there was actually a person hiding to try and "get me" as a paranoid schizophrenic would believe, but instead, it was more like an unexplainable "presence," because my head was constantly swimmng and foggy, and I knew that another "bad thought" could strike at any moment. Thus, you try to avoid having any more obsessions, but your brain just won't listen... :( Another key reason I think it's OCD is the fact that you mentioned that you pray and cross yourself three times exactly and you never want anything to add up to the number six- for me, the evil number is 13... :rolleyes: Also, you mentioned that you said that you felt you had to do these "things" all day long or you would become possessed. Very OCD-like: "If I don't do ________, then _______ will happen," even though it sounds ridiculous. One of my things is that, every morning before I go to school (it's summer now, though), I spritz exactly four squirts of lemon-scented perfume on my right wrist, and then proceed in rubbing my two wrists together while praying for good luck in school. I also have this pair of blue socks that I must wear on test days or I'll fail. Do I really believe that these things have these "magical" powers, and that these things will happen if I don't do them? Of course not! But when I'm worrying, they provide a sense of comfort, and to not do them could possibly mean that the dreaded event might occur. That's what OCD is- it feeds on your uncertainty. You're probably feeling that if you don't cross yourself and such, that this might be the time when the Devil will overtake you, but when you're not having the thoughts, you know it's utterly absurd. This is the important distinction between OCD and schizophrenia: we OCD-ers have insight that our thoughts are nonsensical; schizophrenics don't. You also mentioned that the symptoms subsided for awhile- another key component of OCD- it takes on a "waxing-and-waning" condition. For example, my OCD struck suddenly when I was 11 1/2- 12, but mysteriously went away when I was 13, only to return at age 15 and, then, 17. I definitely feel your pain because, when OCD-related thoughts first strike, it's as though you have no one to turn to, not even God because you're constantly thinking these blasphemous things and feel like such a filthy person. So you pray over and over for forgiveness, and in the middle of the prayer another blasphemous thought strikes, and the cycle repeats. Whatever you do, don't lose your faith because of the OCD! God's the only thing that's kept me going because I know that He wanted me to have OCD for a reason and that he'd make it all okay. I highly doubt that what you're experiencing is schizophrenia, even though it might seem that way because, out of the blue, you've suddenly lost control of your mind and your ability to filter out thoughts. :eek: Who wouldn't think they were psychotic if they suddenly saw grotesque images of themself killing their parents or doing something blasphemous or sexual in nature? If you ever want to talk, or you have any more questions/concerns regarding this matter, please let me know. There's plenty of support out here, and as I'm sure CuriousLearner would agree, we're always here when you need to vent about OCD evils. Good luck, God bless, and write back soon! :angel:

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