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Schizophrenia Message Board

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I need some input on this. Before I say anything, i have to say:
I am not a violent person, I believe violence is the most degenerative thing that exists nowadays regardings society
I am periodically suicidal. I'm not sure exactly how to put this. I always stop myself before going through with anything because of the first thing I outlined. I believe that killing in any form is wrong, and uncalled for in civilized society.

I am a grade 12 student currently at my high school. I do not live a stress free life, i work 32 hours a week and go to school 30 hours a week. It can get hectic, but I seem to manage.
I have a severe inability to sleep.
I used to smoke a lot of marijuana, and had recently quit due to severe symptoms of schizophrenia displayed.
however, i do remain an avid cigarette smoker, although every time I try to quit I begin hyperventilating.

What I'd like to explain are my symptoms of schizophrenia:
I understand that schizophrenia is limited to certain mindsets, and is often triggered by marijuana, stress etc, and in adolescant years. I have a deeply logical mind, and up until about 2 weeks ago excelled in school with little to no effort.
However, recently I feel detached from my studies. I feel like every time I begin to think about a concept, I begin thinking about other things on the side, and like a computer with too many programs running, my mind just bogs down until I mentally calm myself through meditation.
Ever since I can remember, I have had a severe fear of people. Often I can ignore it, I can interact with people. Lately, though, I have been having trouble with eye contact and expression. I do indeed find myself talking in a monotone voice quite frequently. Ever since I was young I have had hygiene problems. Nothing serious, I just often forget to shower and the like.
I try to get out and socialize as much as I can, but talking to people has proven quite difficult lately.
I'm not exactly sure how hallucinations can be expressed. My mind functions mostly rationally, in that it's not really attached to senses. If i were to pick a sense closest to my thoughts, it would be auditory, but it feels more like a silent set of cogs or a computer, that sort of click thoughts through without a sound. However, my mind often exhibits the sides of several viewpoints when I'm considering a subject. Through this, I find it difficult to focus on decisions, and often get sitedtracked by indecision. Sometimes I hear music that is not being played anywhere but in my mind. On very rare occasions I will hear the odd voice speaking, but only once have I heard one suggesting suicide.

I think this could be traced back to several epiphanies that outlined transcendance. See, when i was young up until the age of 12, I was incredibly quiet and internally oriented. However, at that age I began digging deep into the philosophical core of the world. I began believing that this was a perfect world, and all negative emotions only stemmed from the limits of the environment and its effects on other people, and those effects, in turn, on other people. I was happy by this. I began socializing heavily. However, at about the age of 16, I suffered a tragic romantic loss, most likely as well at the hands of confusion. I did not feel it was such at the time, and have not been the same since. It is since then that I have had trouble relating to a lot of people.
I play a lot of music (especially guitar) and i consider myself decent at it. However I often find myself playing the same damn scale over and over again and it gets frustrating.

Really, I'm going to go to a doctor about this, but I'm wondering if any other diagnosed schizophrenics could offer any input or advice. Honestly, I believe that this disease is (on the non-violent side) a reaction to scientific understanding of the world. If you do not put a spiritual connotation to the world, you see how meaningless life is. This can obviously be taken in a pessimistic or optimistic way.

One other thing, I seem to exhibit severe signs of an emotional cycle. These cycles could last 2 hours, or a year, im not sure exactly how they work, but the depression is unbearingly severe, and the happy times almost make the depression feel worth it (at the time)

I end with a simple haiku.

Cluttered thoughts do blind,
The intelligent seek help,
In uncertain times

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