It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Schizophrenia Message Board


Schizophrenia Board Index


Hello all. I came here to ask if I may have schizophrenia. The reason I ask is because I have this thing with constantly being alone and never being able to reasonably sustain an everyday conversation past the first few words of "hello." and "how are you doing?" and that all fun stuff, and my efforts in making chit-chat online at a teenage-based website(They have adults near my age as well, being at 18 going on 19) seemed equally prone to failure. Also I can't reasonably seem to carry an ordinary everyday conversation if my life depended on it, and I've been called "squirrely" or "eccentric" in the past, so I'm thinking schizoprhrenia may be a valid explanation. The only other explanation that could explain any of it may be moderate giftedness but I doubt giftedness in itself could be causing these problems of isolation and my ostensibly inability to carry on a decent conversation as my IQ score, at the highest, has been only 143 with my more reliable scores from more reliable tests have ranged around the 130-139 range which I don't think is high enough to cause the problems I'm experiencing. I mean... I only got a 1400 on the SAT's, and in the top 1 percentile on the ASVAB's AFQT measure, and scored in the 134 IQ range as a child on the OLSAT(otis lennon scholastic ability test) with subsections scores of a verbal score of 125, and a nonverbal score of 141. So I don't believe it's too high to cause any serious problems in itself.

(On a side note: I believe my lower verbal score may be indicative of not having a word/book-enriched environment when I was younger, so my actual overall IQ(Defining it as "Problem solving ability", not just vocabulary knowledge as was one of the major subsections of the OLSAT) is just a little higher than that(Probably a 137 or 138).)

So anyhowz... I don't know if I have schizophrenia or not, or what exactly is going on. I've been thinking it could of been depression, aspergers, or schizoid personality disorder, or schizophrenia but I've effectively crossed out every single one of those due to other features.

It couldn't be depression because even depressed people can carry on a decent conversation. It couldn't be asperger's as I think I respond pretty well and am able to lie to gain an advantage and woman do respond quite well to me(which is not something that would happen at ALL for an Aspergers patient since aspergers patients have troubles with social cues therefore being completely socially awkward). It couldn't be schizoid personaly as I think I am able to express a wide variety of facial expressions which is something that a schizoid cannot do due to flat affectivity. And at this point, I doubt I do have COMPLETE schizophrenia at this point(it may develop later on as I'm only 18) since I'm not hallucinating or hearing voices or false sounds - But even though I don't have those key-features at this point in time, I believe my speech may be tangential, off-the-wall, and not completely coherent which may be a serious indicator of prodromal schizophrenia(the period right before the onset of full-blown schizophrenia).

So anyways... I'll leave you with this post to see if anyone can determine anything. Here's an email message I was about to send to my friend that I haven't spoken to in a LOOOOOONG time so that you can get a gist of how I talk/write in a casual setting so that you someone might pick up on speech abnomalies. :) Thank you.


MY LETTER TO A FRIEND

" Hey, sloth-like lethargic technologically adept-user with a penchant for anime and sci-fi genres.. JASON! How are you doing MON?(the midletter with a lower-case pronunciation was my intended affect :)

Here everything is so blase and academia is passing by kind of quickly, and it's been sort of just like existing in an ennui while passively contemplating existential issues, ideas, and philosophies while sporadically going into spurts of howework related activity which usually is about just finishing some assignment that for the most part seems somewhat redundant(It's clear the teachers believe it's for the good of mastering a certain skill, but I don't know.... It all seems too easy and most of the concepts can be grasped almost immediately. :/).

Hey the reason why I'm emailing you is because it's been such a longtime since I've emailed you. Tell me what's been going on and possibly what books you've recently decided to endeavour reading. Here, the most substantial reading pleasures have been the ever-expansive and equally ever-trivial site of everything2. Have you heard of it?

On a side note(like I never have enough of those): I was crawling around the web and I came across the dictionary meant for understanding everyday colloquilisms. Upon the tangent of thinking of Googling someone's name for "information seeking purposes" *cough*stalking*cough*... I wondered what treasures this dictionary could of held for the same purpose(searching someone's name). It turns out this certain online dictionary has your first name(but not mine) as one of the definitions. Check out it out at urbandictionary.com for the definiton. I think you might be somewhat shocked/surprised or ,more likely, expecting a definition such as that provided for your name. I'm surprised your name has so many popular uses that is used by the urban masses.

Anyways.. reply back soon


UPDATE: 15 people have viewed this but yet no one's responded, while there are at least 3 threads above this that have been replied since I've posted this to Meaning: People are actively ignoring this. Maybe I do have schizophrenia? Schizophrenics usually are ignored because they're "crazy" or incoherent.
First, looking for a label can be a major breakthrough in dealing with an illness. It has a name, therefore you now have some degree of control. When you know what to call it, you're knowing your enemy :) Though I must say, my attitude toward dealing with my diagnosis, even accepting it, came with time and patience and a lot of paradigm shifts in my life. Becoming schizophrenic (and we think it was around my late teens.. early for a girl) was a paradigm shift it and of itself, yes as there was an enlightenment issue to deal with. The fact that I felt, understood and accepted this feeling of enlightenment. But I accepted this as something that is inate in us all and that Id just brought it to the surface and was able to see what I couldn't before. Like you hear a constant noise all your life which is so constant, it becomes a kind of silence but when you actually stop and really listen, you realize it's telling you the Grand Unified Theory, The meaning of LIfe and the origins of all that ever was and shall be. It exists in silence. A sound so constanat, it ceases to have any sound of it's own to our ears. That's a pretty heavy load for a teenager. Fortunately, my onset was insidious and though it caused a lot of fear and frustration in my family (read: What is WITH our child?? and of course my mother thought I was on drugs) it wasn't an overnight skew so I was probably able to deal with the changes it brought about more effectively.

BEing diagnosed is a different paradigm shift alltogether. After you've seen the proverbial mountaintop, being told it doesn't exist is shattering. I'd found God, the hub of all belief, religion, spirit, science, physics (my major in university) and philosophy. Id' found my way there, I'd found absolute beautitude. And to be told it was all just a delusion coupled with hallucinations? "You are very sick. YOu have a serious psychotic illness" It destroyed me. I had been touched by the profound. Call it what you will. But, as I say, accepting the diagnosis, or realizing you're stuck with it, is a major paradigm shift because often, the sz behaves like a friend. It tells you that you're powerful. That you're special. That you're in the center of something very importat. The voices tell you this. The visions are unlike anything I could ever describe using humble language. Colours that don't exist in a normal spectrum. A kind of blue that hasn't yet been discovered. A way of seeing things that makes it all so clear and simple. Like it had been there all along, right in front of you and in searching so hard for a profound answer, you overlook the simple, complete truth that's right in front of you this whole time.

Mind you, is not all like this you see. There was also a lot of fear. I was afraid I became an orange, that someone would peel me. I would be up for nights on end without sleep because the Voices would scream and bang on weird pianos and talk instrange languages and not allow me to rest. My computer was linked to me. That I was nothing more than software built as an AI and that soon, I'd be reintegrated into the system. A little death, no?

That's interesting that aspergers talk young! Although I'm not an aspergers patient,I spoke at nine months, according to my mother. But I was always very wordy, though shy. Which is infinitely frustrating. I'm dead middle right and left brain (and also ambidextrous) I don't have aspergers but I share some common traits with them. I used to believe, as a child, that nothing was real, that the world was created for me alone and that I was actually just a string of synapses and signals. Someone would send a signal to my motherboard, I'd see a sunrise or hear a friend or pet my cat or eat my dinner. IT was a lonely feeling but also a powerful curiosity. I thought all i experienced was just a result of mybrain being tickled by some kind of (pardon the seussism) poke-o-mo-thalo-mo-scope :) If you will. I like seussisms.

Man, shut up pea! I have no point here. I just find this thread... interesting. Gaining some insight for sure. You can really read between the lines, as many of you, I'm sure do with me. It's part of the fun of being human and interacting. And message boards are great ways tointeract for us "social boobs" as I like to call myself because it's... well.. it's like talking in installments. You can stop, think, go back, erase. You don't get interrupted and you can get an entire thought out without being cut off. If you forget your train of thought (personally, my Dr Moriarty :)) you can always go back and figure out what that train was. Online is kind of my social life outside my house which is too small to accomodate my needs as a wider scope human being.

I'll write more but let me consider some things that have been itching the back of my mind in regards to all this. CuriousKittie, you remind me of one of my best friends "Kaylee", (not her real name, of course) who has obsessive compulsive disorder. I'm not saying that's you because i'm no doctor but since you're asking :) *shrug* In fact, I'd guarantee it but again... no doctor.

I've written volumes of irrelevant mishmash. Mostly because I'm new, but also because things you say trigger ideas, which trigger other ideas, which then set a whole series of thoughts off and then ideas come fast and its' like the electricity turns on. And each inch of this tired old brain has a brain like that. :)

peace
pea
[QUOTE=curiouskittie]

1. The asperger's disorder is classified as a nonverbal learning disabilty. Symptoms typically include only being to think logically and in steps, and missing "the bigger picture". Likewise this shows on certain abilities test. Being a nonverbal disability, an asperger's "nonverbal reasoning" score is usually pretty low and definitely lower than their verbal reasoning score(which means they talk a lot better and think a lot more logically, then how they are able to "picture" things and get the full picture of how something works). Well, My nonverbal reasoning score was about 16 points higher than my verbal reasoning score when I took the OLSAT test at 11.8 years old. That is in stark contrast to a typical asperger's individual whose verbal score is almost always higher than the nonverbal score.(and in fact - an asperger's nonverbal score is very often below average, and if not below average - then it virtually never exceeds normal levels - but mine was near-genius levels.)

2. Aspergers usually start speaking at a young age and are usually precocious. The vocabulary is typically advanced for an asperger's person and an asperger person's speech is usually quite voluminous at an early age. That is in very different picture from my own speech development. I was a bit verbally-delayed and in fact I was suspected to have a sort of speech disorder. This meant I didn't speak in class when everybody else could, and I was unusually quiet and didn't really have the ability to talk when almost everyone else did.(This was actually very frustrating since my ability to think was well-developed, however that was hindered by the fact it was unusually difficult to communicate my thoughts. Throughout my development, the difficulty in talking to others accumulated over the years and I practically resigned to keeping to myself. Consequently,(I suspect) my ability to relate to others dropped drastically and I can't as easily communicate as the average person my age. This infact undoubtely contributes to my appearance of "stupidity".). Consider the fact that my verbal reasoning score was much less than my nonverbal reasoning score, and you have the whole conflicting feature where verbal ability should be the highest ability.

And asperger's usually talk in a "rote" way or remember key phrases and use them in speech. Their is hardly any novelty to what an apserger's person says. I believe that my speech does not actually follow strict speech patterns that would follow someone with aspergers. While yes, I do think that my speech patterns may be idiosyncratic, I don't think that idiosyncracy could be explained by an autism-range disorder where speech is definitely not just following some rigid "rote" formula. At least looking at my writing, I don't see that.

And gatsbylurver - are you ok? I understand that you may have OCD and have eccentricities, but are you sure that you have aspergers? o_0' - It just seems strange that you say that when you can often talk and communicate with others on the forums very well, and aspergers individuals typically can't. Another feature missing from aspergers is sympathising, and likewise empathy. You seem to be empathetic as indicated by people who "missed you" on the OCD forums and clearly valued you. This evidently shows that you are empathetic, which is the key ingredient nessecary to forming "relationships" and getting people to like you(as in a "friend" or "helping" type of way) as it allows you to relate with others. Because OCD forumer's value you, I think that you empathetic, and since you seem to communicate that empathy very well - you have people on the OCD forum who value you, and since aspergers individuals have a hard time expressing empathy - I seriously doubt that you have aspergers. I could be wrong though..... Have you seen a therapist or a diagnostician about it?
QUOTE]
Hey, curiouskittie. Everything that you listed, numbers 1-3, are things I do, especially the precocious verbosity, rote memorization, and nonverbal learning disabilities. (I've always struggled with math and abstractions.) I know that I don't have full-blown Asperger's like I have full-blown OCD, but my therapist was actually the one who brought up the topic once again. We were talking, and she was describing several Asperger's teens she knows, and everything was me. I brought up the whole empathy/talkativeness thing, and she said that in the people she knows, the obsessive fixations are the main symptom. God knows I have obsessive fixations! ;) I believe that my high amount of empathy is due to the OCD- never wanting to hurt anyone's feelings, being afraid that God will punish me for a bad thought, etc., but concerning the communication issue, you've never seen me try to connect with people who I don't have a connection with! lol! :D I have always been "different" and isolated from my peers, ever since I was a young child. I have few friends here at my college, and this is due to the fact that I can't find anyone who feels the same way I do. I connect far more with the professors, who are my good friends, because they are as passionate about learning as I am. It's difficult for me to make anything more than mere acquaintances when all most kids care about is drinking, partying, and acting silly. They're here simply to get their diploma. Sure they study and make good grades, but they just go through the motions. Understandably, for someone like me, whose eyes literally light up at the mention of American history, chemistry, and anatomy, I can't relate to them; I spend most of my time alone, which is the way I like it. I hate being around people and I need my space. Classic Asperger's-ness. I'm not one of these people who feels "lonely" because they have few friends (all of my friends were made in high school, where everyone was a nerd like me)- I honestly couldn't care less. The only time it's hard is when nobody understands how I feel and I feel ostracized at times when it's painfully obvious that I'm very different, but most of the time, I embrace my eccentricities. However, who wouldn't feel isolated when they are the only ones who gets excited over going to chem class while the rest are sitting there bored to tears. For further evidence, my chem professor, who I'm pretty close with, and is one of about two people here who I can connect with, has a ten-year-old daughter with Asperger's, and when I was unable to get him at first for this semester (thank God I did), and I had a breakdown because I needed sameness and he's the only thing that makes my day enjoyable, my mom called him and told him about my OCD, prompting him to tell her about his daughter. He actually told my mother that "he sees a lot of [me] in [his] daughter". This cracked me up because I had never told him anything about my disorders, so it must be pretty damn obvious that I'm an obsessive-compulsive with Asperger's traits! I could go on and on as to why I'm pretty much positive that I have Asperger's, but I have to go get a shower, something I do only out of necessity- one of my many sensory issues is an abhorrance of being wet... I've been toying with the idea almost as long as I toyed with the possibility of me having OCD. I turned out to be right on that account and I know I'm right on this one, too. I go to my CBT on Thursday, where my therapist and I are trying to untangle my Asperger's obsessions and compulsions from my OCD. Talk to you soon! :angel:
-GatsbyLuvr1920-
Hey, curiouskittie! I just re-read the Asperger's section in the "Misdiagnosis and Dual Diagnosis of Gifted Children" book, and once again, I don't fit the description for the true disorder, but, as they say, have some of the "increasing degrees of characteristic behaviors that end up with an impairment that is then called Asperger's Disorder." Probably the best description of me comes from the following: "Consider a third-grade gifted child who is serious and passionate about number puzzles and anagrams and who loves the precision of their patterns. In her spare time, she reads and corresponds with others on the Internet about her passion (much like I do here on the mental illness boards). Her age peers do not understand her zeal, and the gifted child gets upset because the other third-grade children seem so immature. Does this gifted child lack empathy? No, it is really more a lack of tolerance. Bright children may have little tolerance for others who do not share their rapid mental processes. When this child attends a meeting of the high school math club, it is clear that she has normal social interatctions with her peers there, demonstrating empathy, reciprocity, and emotionality." However, to further complicate things, I've already printed out articles upon articles about Asperger's, in preparation for my CBT session (and just because I'm interested- I actually did the research months ago; just printed it days ago... :D ), and there's striking similarities, experiences that I don't think are mere "giftedness". And, of course, there's the whole question about the rituals- as one person said, who, like me, had OCD and a strong suspicion of Asperger's, "I have been aware for some time that my 'obsessions' clearly fall into two categories or perhapes even three. I have the definite OCD-type 'negative' obsessions centered around hygiene and strange 'superstition', then there are 'positive' obsessions such as hobbies and subjects of interest- programming since I was six, being able to identify any ZX Spectrum just from the sound of the tape loader, etc." I can't really give a better explanation for what I suffer from, down to being able to recognize minute sounds...I think, really, what my therapist wants to do is to separate out what could be Asperger's rituals and my OCD compulsions, to further my treatment. She has a friend who specializes in Asperger's, and she was going to talk to her this past week. The big question for my therapy is really, "what consitutes my true OCD symptoms and those sensory rituals that I do in times of extreme stress, which make me feel better and able to cope?" But, once again, just like I did with the OCD for years and years, this research has literally become obsessive and compulsive: I must "prove" to myself whether I have it or not, re-hashing the material over and over, fearing that I'm "making up" symptoms and "over-diagnosing" myself. I'm really looking forward to going to my CBT this week; I have never discussed my Asperger's-like traits so openly with a therapist. It's as if I have finally fully discovered a whole important part of myself, a part that I want to further explore and analyze- is it eccentricity or pathology? Either way, it DOES interfere with my life, whatever it is, and should be treated as such. I'm honored, by the way, that you think that my handle on the English language is far advanced from my age group. That's a real compliment. I'm looking forward to debating this with you further, and with anyone else who has any ideas. Oh, and speaking of finding my chemistry professor "hilarious", you don't know the half of it! He's such a nerd, and so random, that he's automatically funny, even though he doesn't try to be, or even realize that he is. What I get a huge kick out of is his clearly excessive use of the phrase "in terms of". Since December 5, I've been keeping a daily tally each time I have class (obviously, compulsive right there! lol), and it's just mindboggling. Yesterday, he broke the record: 119 times in two hours... ;) I'll talk to you soon. :angel:
-GatsbyLuvr1920-
PLEASE READ THIS, CURIOUSKITTY. THIS HAS SOME POTENTIAL ANSWERS IN IT. WHO KNOWS. YOU MIGHT HAVE AN EPIPHONY.

It sounds like there are a lot of emotional links in what you're describing, curiouskitty... like you can look back through your life and find those relationships, to how you feel now from what you lived earlier.

You also strike me as someone who's looking for acceptance and want it with a group that counteracts the group you didn't find acceptance with (pardon me but this is what screams from these posts) now you're looking for a seemingly typically "weird" group of individuals to relate to. I'm sorry but I find this rather offensive. I'm not angry or anything... but what is anger anyway but a reflection of a softer emotion, like hurt or sadness, linked with frustration and lack of coping skills?)

Like I said earlier, you remind me a lot of a friend I have with OCD. She becomes completely obsessed with a new something every once in awhile. For a long time, she was obsessed with Italian history and suddenly, after telling us she was part French, she changed her mind and said she was now Italian and, furthermore, that her father was with the Mafia. Then suddenly, that just disappeared and she never spoke of it again. It's something new all the time. (Okay. this is why I'm not angry. Because although she's perfectly aware of what she's doing, she can't really help it... I guess. So I can't be angry)

Whatever.. the point is, people with schizophrenia tend not to have any idea there is anything wrong with them. Schizophrenia is the last thing we'd ever think of when we're first manifesting symptoms or when sick. When I'm sick, life is beautiful. I'm enlightened, I'm linking to the Great Consciousness, I'm part of various plots (for example, I control the weather, my thoughts ARE being broadcast to Fox Netwok, that sort of thing. I didn't become INTERESTED in these things and be obsessed, I HONESTLY, CERTAINLY, TOTALLY believed them. It was a total skew of perception that was so all encompassing, it was too big for me to see around. For you see, perception is EVERYTHING in the whole universe as far as a percieving being is concerned. As far as my perception is concerned, the world stops when I close my eyes (of course, this is something of a fallacy but I'm just making a point about conscious perception)

Yes. You may have social problems. You may have a lot of thoughts going on at once. But this isn't indicative of sz on it's own, okay? Schizophrenia isn't that much of an umbrella term. It's pretty specific. And the fulcrum of the diagnosis are the psychotic symptoms in combination with negative symptoms. That's when a diagnosis can be nailed. Yes, many of us can show negative symptoms when we're not in full blown psychosis but they're quite different even to what you're describing. The only thing that is even close to such a thing is your social phobias and that sounds a lot more like you're just plain tired of human beings than anything.

Okay.. Let's try this. For example, my lack of mental blocks in my own mind is what makes me ill. Your overabundance of these mental blocks is what makes you ill. They're polar opposites.

Don't stress out about this. Its obvious you're not in any kind of psychotic state right now and from what you've described, you've never been. Again, I can't say. It's a freakin' message board!! SEE A DOCTOR IF YOU'RE CONCERNED. We're not physicians.

Finally, have you ever heard of the whole Common denominator thing? If making a claim or considering a state of things that EVERYONE disagrees with, you, in this situation, are the common denominator. And as such, perhaps it's not everyone else that's wrong... Just perhaps. That's what my intelligence tells me.

peace
pea





All times are GMT -7. The time now is 07:22 AM.





© 2021 MH Sub I, LLC dba Internet Brands. All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!