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Schizophrenia Message Board

Schizophrenia Board Index

I do not know if I have schizophrenia or not, but it runs in my family. My uncle is schizophrenic. I am seeing a counselor and she has raised that question in my mind. I don't like to "self diagnose" which is why i'm telling you that I don't know if I am or not. I'm wondering what your opinion is, though.

I have debilitating fears. I am a very anxious person and I think that most people are out to get me in some way or another. For example, recently I convinced myself that my sister had contacted a good friend of mine and told that good friend (whom she doesn't even know) to stop contacting me. I have no idea why I thought she would do this. I actually asked her about this. After she assured me that she hadn't, I convinced myself that another friend did it instead. I convinced myself that this friend (whom lives in india...He used to live in the states but we contact each other through e-mail and aim now) contacted this person and told him a variety of embarrassing things. I actually asked my friend in india if he did this and of course he said no.

Here is another example. I'm a recovering alcoholic. I haven't been sober that long, but i'm trying. The last time I got drunk, I didn't get completely obliterated or anything, but I was drunk. I thought I remembered everything I did. The next day, I woke up with this huge fear that *maybe* I had had a blackout. This thought agonized me because I convinced myself that I had sent e-mails to people without realizing it. I checked my sent folder in my e-mail accounts and nothing was there, but I then convinced myself that maybe I went onto my school account e-mail and sent some out, because that doesn't save copies. This fear turned into me convincing myself that I sent out threatening e-mails to a person whom i've had conflict with and maybe their significant other. I'm not even confident if I had a blackout that night, because I thought I remembered everything, but I seriously now have convinced myself that I sent out death threats to people. I'm a very passive person, so it's completely out of character for me to do something like that, but I justify it by saying, "maybe I did because I was really drunk". Then, when I logically tell myself, "if I had done that, wouldn't these people have responded?" I convinced myself that maybe the police told them not to contact me. I got so scared about the situation that I actually sent my computer to a computer forensics place to test activity done on it during that date, which will now cost me an arm and a leg. I still have no idea if I sent anything to anyone that evening, but it's causing me the worst kind of anxiety i've ever felt. I seriously worry that these people contacted the police and maybe the police are escorting these people around, for fear of me. I would just contact these people and ask if I sent anything to them on this night, but if I did send something threatening, i'm afraid that this will just be another nail in the coffin and that this e-mail will be sent to the police.

Also, one of my greatest fears in life is that I will be framed for a crime I didn't commit. Sometimes I have nightmares about it. I had one last night where someone I knew committed a crime and I was accidently at the scene. My fingerprint, therefore ended up on an item in the room of the crime, so I had to testify in court. It really disturbs me. Jails scare the crap out of me. I read a lot of true crime and scare myself to bits.

I have no idea why I have these fears, because i'm a really harmless person. I am just very scared of these things.

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