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Schizophrenia Message Board

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This is an edit... before you read this all, you should know that I really didn't think that I had a mental illness until my friends and family started pointing things out. I now think that it is beyond paranoia and is passing into the realm of something else. Now you can read on...

Hi, I'm a 15 year old guy and I seem to have virtually every sympton of schizophrenia. I don't like dealing with doctors, and I don't use medication. I should probably be a little less stuborn if I want to be productive, but who cares. I started hallucinating when I was around the age of 12 or 13. I started with seeing this sort of ghost-like character, without a determinable face. It sort of looked like a ringwraith from The Lord of the Rings, though it sounds childish to compare a hallucination to a character in a film. Eventually he started to talk to me. He once told me to "join him," which I didn't understand what he meant. My shadow was also killed once. I was walking at night, and I saw a shadow of a person with a rifle to my left, and he proceeded to shoot my shadows head. I have chronic migranes, and frequently feel light headed, if that's remotely relevant. I stopped seeing things for a year and a half or maybe two years. Then I switched from a christian school to a self paced school. I didn't socialize with anyone at the school, and I felt that I had nothing in common with them. By the way, I have never done drugs, just so you know... Anyway, I had insomnia for a while when I was attending the school. I felt that I was never really awake, and I had trouble determining what was real. The only way I can think to describe how I felt was: far away. I would walk around at night just to be away from my house. And I started to get paranoid. I would look behind me or beside me or infront of me and there was this cloaked figure that was always there. Though they never confronted me. I also started hearing things, generally speaking. I now feel that my perception is clouded, and that I am losing my grip on sanity. Over the years I have also expressed a lack of emotion, just generally not feeling very much. Although, I have to admit, I'm concerned about my mental state. My friends also feel that I'm acting even stranger than usual. And my memory is sort of weird lately. I wrote "am I dreaming?" on my desk at school, but I don't remember doing it. I also lack motivation, I can't really remember the last time I did any school work. I don't want to leave anything out here. But I don't know. I can't think of anything. I think that it's getting worse, or that I might be approaching a break down, though it's difficult to determine. Sorry if I don't make sense, it's just hard to make sense of things. And my mind seems kind of scattered. And I'm hyperfocus, though I haven't been diagnosed, I'm quite sure that I am.

I'm trying to approach this in a practical way. I really don't want something to be wrong with me. But it really seems like there is. I've been getting paranoid. I just don't know anymore. I don't want to lose my identity to anti-psychotics. zach changed after he went on meds, but I didn't see him once he went crazy. zach is a guy that I new. My computer won't let me make capital z's.

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