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Schizophrenia Message Board

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Part 4 - present day

It was a while later that the fortune tellers prediction came true, I met the person who I am with to this day, supportive, loving and truly kind. With children of her own, and a heart of gold. At this point I guess I have to cut the story off, as it is still being written one day at a time, I have decided however to include a few of the main events that bring us up to this day. When we got together we were so happy, then a couple of months later, we were both confronted and attacked by a local psychopath, this event was blocked out and to this day I do not recall the events (the shrink refers to this as dissociative amnesia) it resulted in our leaving the family home for our safety that same night, we all stayed in a caravan for 3 weeks, couped up with the police doing nothing even though they knew where this guy worked. Then we moved into a 2 bedroomed house (with 3 teenage kids) and no heating and nearly no money. Around this time the schizophrenia began to cause problems for me. My thinking went seriously out of whack and so did my behavoir, to give you a couple of examples (related to me by other people as I suffered with blackouts at the time due to not being on medication) one example was going into my very small backyard, stripping off completely naked and setting fire to all my clothes. Another example was that I climbed into the loft and would not come down, I just sat up there screaming. There have been many more but mercifully I have fairly good control since I have been given medication. After a few months we got a new family home, and since then I have had my breakdowns and my hospital stays, my diagnosis has become (and stayed) paranoid schizophrenia.

For a while at the time, I had been hearing voices, and one voice stood out from all the rest, this one called himself Gerry. We have spent many hours talking through many things and to begin with Gerry was what I considered a friend and advisor but over time this had changed and gone sour. He became a malevolent presence that commanded me to do things that I deemed to be wrong, but he somehow overrides my conscience and controls my thoughts to the point that I no longer ask questions, I just do as I am told. The psychiatrists later referred to Gerry as a ‘command hallucination’

I have never talked about this with anyone. It was one particular day, 14th march 2006, I had a petty row with my partner and Gerry seizing the opportunity, made me take a knife from the kitchen and leave the house. I was panicking and tried to phone several people from my mental health team and the crisis services, telling them what he was telling me to do, but no-one wanted to help me. What follows was mercifully another dissociative amnesia, thankfully nobody got hurt or injured, just scared, and the police were quick to act. I found myself again in a psyche ward.

I take each day one day at a time. I no longer smoke, I no longer take drugs and never will as long as I live, I enjoy a drink but only ever socially. I have my good days, and my bad days, but I never forget to count my blessings and thank both the fortune teller and my guardian angel. I now do voluntary work for the NHS mental health services going onto the wards and helping the inpatients. For the first time my life has purpose and true meaning.

As I write this I find myself functioning the best I have in a long time, however, I still have my issues to contend with. For a long while I have been talking to a fellow whom I consider a close friend. He has always advised me but never commanded me to do anything, strange statement you think? I used to bump into him nearly everywhere I went, we used to stand chatting, but he never seemed to talk to anyone else and no one else seemed to acknowledge him. This did not strike me in the least as strange. Then he started turning up out of thin air, in my house in the middle of the night, popping up in the back seat of my car, in my bathroom in my toilet… I think you get the picture. But the penny still didn’t drop! Until this day, I hid a tape recorder to record for evidence my appointment with my tdoc (CPN) and Alan was in the waiting room and we got chatting as usual, and my tdoc came and gave me a really odd look. After the appointment I checked the tape and my conversation with Alan was on the tape, imagine my horror when I heard only MY voice and no responses.

Mind you, Alan gives me advice but he does not tell me to, or make me do things. There is another one at****s that comes to me and has done for some time, he is obviously not human and to begin with I thought he was an alien or a demon, after all he does not even look human, he is small and bald with little ears and big black eyes. He does have the ability to control me, I spend my time running from him and trying to hide from him. I just hope one day to be free.

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