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And some background information.

(You weren't expecting a mini novel were you?)

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So anyway i had a run in with some individuals on another site a few months back and i think that is what is feuling my present slump. I know i shouldnt take notice of people online, especially those who have never met me in person, but im over sensitive and i do tend to rely on the internet as a social outlet at the present time. As much as i like my own company, i do need the company of others now and again. Im not a complete recluse and do need contact with the outside world.

Anyway they kept posting spiteful comments to my forum topics and **** so in the end i gave up and have mostly stayed away from the site. They've been doing it on and off for two years now and i dont think they are going to leave me alone if i remain on there. I was very open about my depression and anxiety and i think that was a mistake to be honest. They have had much fun twisting my words and using them against me. They also seem to like to diagnose me and have accussed me of suffering from everything from bipolar disorder to borderline presonality disorder to munchesauns by proxy to psychosis and schizophrenia.

How did they arrive at those conclusions?

Bipolar disorder because i post a lot. Because i post a lot they assume i must be manic. Lets just ignore the fact im a chatty person and i type rather quickly. And yes i do rant a lot when im angry, it gets it out of my system.
Borderline personality disorder? I have no idea but i think its because i argue back with them when they take a dig and then come across as being angry or something. That may relate to their online diagnosis of bipolar as well.
Munchaseuns by proxy because once i made a post about my son having a viral infection and being ill. He had spent the night in the hospital as a result but all turned out well in the end and he made a full recovery. When i made that post they basically spent the next few weeks posting their diagnosis to the forum boards and copy and pasting posts i made into their blogs in order to criticise me.
Psychosis and schizophrenia came about when i posted about listening to some EVP recordings i had made. The post was tongue in cheek and what i thought was EVP turned out to be background noise anyway. I tried to explain the concept of EVP but they seemed to insist and insist and insist that i was hearing voices and therefore must be psychotic. I have never heard voices outside the context of trying to record some EVP , and that was a one off. Usually i dont dabble in such things because if i really did hear anything that was a genuine EVP in my house, it would scare the pants off of me.

It was on this site that i met the ex who thought it was appropriate to make me believe he had feelings for me before dumping me on the first annaversary of my mothers death by email/IM and refusing to discuss anything on the telephone or speak to me in person. He also turned nasty when i emailed him about STD results as i had gone for STD tests and wondered if he wanted to know the results when they came through. They came through clear and i never did email him to tell him as when i asked if he wanted said results he accussed me of trying to ruin his new relationship by bringing such matters up in the first place and informed me that he had given his new partner all the personal emails i had sent him to read.

Ok fine whatever, im glad he was so confident he didnt have anything but with his history of sleeping around he is lucky. He jumps from one partner to the next and declares each of them to be the love of his life every time.

Anyway all of this has really upset my social anxiety and it was after my ex pulled the trick he did and after the many arugments online with certain individuals on that site that my social anxiety progressed to anxiety about just going out in general. They have pulled me to pieces so badly that my confidence has really suffered because of it.

Ok so other than my ex and one of his freinds ive never met anyone from that site, so they are really in no position to comment but still, i was hurt by it. I of course made it worse by trying to argue my case and responding to their digs, and the more i tried to defend myself the more i was accused of being out of control and suffering from whatever mental illness they felt like throwing at me at the time. When i split with my ex i was driven off other sites that he and i were a member of, and in one instance, on a site he moderates, he banned me for no good reason at all, other than he could because he was a moderator.

I have no doubt that the people pulling me apart knew my ex. In the post regarding munchaseuns by proxy when in response to my post about my son being ill, someone posted my OP to their journal and the comments regarding it went something like this:

I dont believe she even has a son, she is probably posting it for attention.
No ive spoken to her ex and he says there is a child
I feel sorry for her child, she is a prime candidate for munchaseuns by proxy

blah blah blah blah.

Annoying, they should have spoken to my ex more than they seemed to, when he finished with me one of the things he said was:

"you are selfish except for with that child of yours"

That child has a name, his name is michael and he knew that. And my son should come first, he is a child for gods sake, no man can expect me to put him before my 9 year old son. What the ****?

This from a man who said he was going to spend valentines day with me and then turned around at the last minute and said he couldnt because he was going to a party at a freinds house instead. And im selfish? OK whatever.

FFS

I got well and truely played i think. Less than 4 weeks after breaking up with me he went public about having a new partner. I suspect he was with that person long before breaking up with me. It was a long distance relationship and i have no way of knowing for sure, but going by the way it played out, i have my suspicions. He was dating someone else when he asked me out, and when i said to him i wouldnt get involved with someone who was already dating someone else he said something to the effect of "well if we had shown signs of working out i would have finished with them". Initially he had arranged to meet with me whilst he was actually visiting them for weekend but i pulled out when i found out he was supposed to be spending the weekend with them. I didnt realise he was in a relationship with someone at the time when i first arranged to meet with him. I should have kept my distance, but when his relationship with that person ended naturally i decided to give him a chance.

Stupid me.

He hurt that lassy too and i did get emails from another of his exs warning me about him but ignored it and put it down to sour grapes at the time. Idiotic of me really because all the signs were there and my gut was screaming at me not to get involved with him.

Id just lost my mother and if it hadnt been for the fact that i was thinking "life is short i should take more chances" at the time i would never have got involved with him at all. I was grieving for my mother and he was there to offer comfort at the time. Looking back i think he played on that. I did tell him going into the relationship that i didnt think i was ready because i was still coming to terms with my mothers death. I tried to end things there and then but he said "bulls***" in response to my concerns and talked me into continuing to date him. I treid to end the relationship several times after that but by then i had developed strong feelings for him and each time i let him talk me around again. My mistake.

Anyway i think i should stay away from the site, im depressed, anxious and vulnerable at the moment and that gives them too much room to play with my head. When they started accusing me of suffering from psychosis, they hit on a fear i have because of my mothers battle with mental health issues, and that, along with the anxiety of arguing with them, i think is what caused a new obsession to form regarding it.

Anyway i should leave well alone i think, theyve had enough fun out of me to last me a lifetime. Im glad they are enjoying themselves cause their constant Biotching has left me feeling ill as a result. Ok i could have left sooner, but no one should be pushed off a public site because the other members lack good taste and dont realise when they are overstepping tasteful boundaries. My principles aside though, its just not worth the anxiety.

Let the snakes have their snake pit to themselves i say. Im tired of getting bitten and i sure as hell dont want their venom floating around my system posioning me. Id rather have the company of more trustworthy congenial people. The latter benefits me, its a much more encouraging and nuturing environment. The former simply makes me ill and seems to hold me back.

At the moment though, im dubious about everyone on the internet because of past events on that site. Im trying not to be because its not everyone elses fault, but still i cant help feeling a little cautious because of it all the same.

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