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Schizophrenia Message Board

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Can someone help me out here, because whenever I speak up, I feel like everyone is thinking that I'm an idiot.

For a long time, I've been a very withdrawn individual, living in my head rather than in the real world. I've always been depressive, rarely feeling happy for any length of time. For 2 years I was put on Prozac but felt it didn't make any difference whatsoever. I'm told that I used to have moments where I would get aggressive and attack people who I felt were threatening me, but I don't remember this at all. I don't get many emotions other than depression and neutrality. My face lacks expressions, my voice is flat. My responses to certain situations are incorrect, but I can't help it. I laugh hysterically when I'm in pain, and I have laughed before when people die (even when in my head I am not amused at all).
Last summer, I had some sort of a breakdown where I was hearing voices and having conversations with posters on my bedroom wall. I managed to distinguish 4 different voices at the time. Thoughts were being put into my head. Now, I have trouble telling what thoughts are mine and what thoughts are not. I haven't heard any voices in a while now, but then again, I can't tell which thoughts are mine and which are not. The only thing I hear now is music playing. I can't hear anything else for the music when it happens. It's not always there- it comes and goes.
I also feel very paranoid when I leave the house, like everyone is looking at me or talking about me. And people follow me when I walk home. I'm afraid to eat food prepared by other people, in case it's been poisoned.
I went to see my doctor about it and he put me on the lowest dose of Zyprexa available. It managed to calm my thoughts down and keep me from going into moods where my mind was racing and I was talking alot, very quickly, and my ideas weren't connecting with eachother. The doctor has referred me to a psychiatrist, but the health system in Ireland is very slow and I haven't heard back from anyone yet.
Added to that, lately I've been very anxious and have been getting panic attacks. I used to get them all the time when I was a teenager (I'm 22 now), but now they seem to be much much worse. My doctor put me on Efexor for anxiety, and also gave me Xanax for when I feel myself getting a panic attack. I'm not sure the drugs are strong enough though because I still feel anxious and panicky.

Every time I talk about what goes on in my head, I feel like I made it all up, like I'm lying about everything. And everyone knows it too. Everyone knows I'm lying. I'm not sure what to do about it. Can anyone help me at all? Is all of this normal? My mother says it is, that everyone experiences things like this at some point in their lives.
I can't help but feel I brought all of this on myself.

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