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Schizophrenia Message Board

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I have had a tough twelve months. Last October I was posted to Beijing for work without my boyfriend and found the whole experience rather traumatic. Despite being fluent in Chinese, I spent my year in China feeling isolated, alone, stressed out and unable to connect with people. As a result I threw myself into even more things: I volunteered at an orphanage every Saturday, I went to the gym all the time, I helped my friend establish a company in China, during all this my work was getting increasingly stressful and demanding.

Six months ago, I met a guy, Chris, who provided support and comfort I felt I really needed. I ended up having an affair with him and did not tell either him nor my boyfriend what was really going on for a few months. I felt extremely guilty and spent most of the time justifying my actions to myself in my head. After telling them both the truth, I felt so terrible. I genuinely thought I was in love with both of them, but surely that's not possible?

About a month later after meeting Chris I started having panic attacks. My thoughts would race, my heart would pound, I would was a horrible experience. I didn't know what was wrong with me for months until I went to a doctor. At the same time, I found myself continually anxious in social situations (I have always been relatively comfortable around people) and lost interest in so many of the things around me. All the pleasure I seemed to get from my life had disappeared.

For six months this has continued. I have been to see two doctors who both just say I have 'anxiety and depression' and it is just my brain telling me I need to take some time getting better. They recommend exercise (which I do) and a healthy diet (I have always eaten pretty healthily). I always suggest schitzophrenia to them and they tell me I am not.

Now I have racing thoughts nearly all the time. Usually they are random snippets of conversations I have had with people, music, worries about life...they are never 'audial' but they usually cause me to worry about my mental health and then I have a panic attack. It is a predictable cycle I am very aware of.

I have also started worrying excessively about my mental health. I spend about an hour a day trying to figure out what is wrong with me. I look up pages and pages of schizophrenia symptoms and ignore the pages I don't fit, and worry for days about the web pages that I feel I have syptoms for.

I feel guilty for worrying so much about things. After living in China I realise that there are so many people who have REAL things to worry about, like how to feed their children or how to pay for an urgent operation in a country without an adequate healthcare system. The worst thing is is that I know I have everything to be happy and grateful for but I just go through life feeling so numb and anxious about everything.

Do you think there is something more seriously wrong with me? Do the racing thoughts indicate that there is something wrong beyond anxiety and depression? I have always been such a happy and relaxed person, I just want to feel that way again. Please help. I would be so grateful for anyone's advice or opinions.

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