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Schizophrenia Message Board


Schizophrenia Board Index


I'm posting this because I've been diagnosed with so many different things and I'm hoping some more reassurance from other people as to what it is I'm experiencing. I have been diagnosed with Paranoid Schizophrenia, Bipolar I, & Aspergers Syndrome. Let me tell you all my story. When I was 16 I began a long long period of isolation where I would do nothing but write poems, play guitar & other things like that. My psychologist at the time gave me a Rorshak???? And he said I have thought disorder. About six months later where I literally spent NO TIME with anyone except my mom I began to get very paranoid. Eventually this developed into 'people are following me, watching me, trying to hurt me.' So I was hospitalized twice but for seven months did not get better until they increased the Geodon. Then, I entered a phase where I couldn't talk & enjoyed nothing. Eventually I came around, & starting socializing more with people but I still found it hard to relate to them because I just felt like what they were experiencing was something else than what I was experiencing. I was hospitalized a year later because I was convinced all my friends were dying & the world was coming to an end. A month later I slipt into mania & was hospitalized yet AGAIN. During this period I was extremely energetic & I was writing 10 poems a day & even churned 117 page screenplay in just 2 days. I finally returned to school the following semester having had to drop out for two years because of the paranoia. It was around this time I stopped giving a shit & completely lost my motivation and I stopped going to class and almost got arrested for truancy. I have severe problems with hygeine and LITERALLY have not brushed my teeth in probably four or five months & i don't change clothes everyday. I don't like change & after the first semester of school I was hospitalized again because I was convinced my testicles were falling off. I experienced visual, auditory, & tactile hallucinations. In the emergency room I walked around showing everyone my testicles. I got into shouting matches with the nurses, & was eventually so doped up I didn't care anymore. I was diagnosed with Psychotic Disorder NOS. When I'm off medication I'm told I am incoherent & melodramatic. The Paranoia I experienced was very intense in fact my psychologist said it was the WORST case of paranoia he had ever seen. I have never had a depressive episode in a long long time & the manic episode was pretty isolated & I haven't had one since. My writings from the time I was isolated are virtually incoherent, nobody can make sense of them and they scare people but some of my friends find them inspiring in an eccentric kind of way. During the time when I couldn't talk I completely lacked interest in sex & still don't. There have been times when I have just randomly masturbated in public & I just don't see any dots to connect here. My hallucinations are always random & don't last that long. My life has been reduced to CONSTANT pacing its all I do & I might have drop out of school again because I can't focus on anything except my thoughts which are all over the place & overwhelming. I'm writing this because I really would love some input & some advice & maybe even some support??? I'm just very lost & now I feel the need to start drinking or doing something to make me FEEL again. Some days I don't get out of bed, but I'm not depressed. I just don't really feel one way or the other. When I'm out with friends I'm never satisfied because I feel like their experience is different from mine. When I heard that my friends girlfriend was being beaten by her mother I just laughed & this upset her but I tried to tell her this was just the way I react & I don't have any control over it. I'm sorry to put this on all of you guys but all my docs are stumped & I'm desperate for some input. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR READING THIS!!!! i REALLY APPRECIATE IT!!!





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