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8800GTS: Gosh your reply made me smile. I understand exactly what your saying - and no worries about rambling... I'm normally prone to rather long posts. I have to agree, no one is ever truly alone with anything - I believe, honestly, that regardless what you're going through there's someone who's been there, is there, or is going to be there.... exactly where you are (not nessisarily in every detail.... but close enough to shock you). I've learned that time and time again, talking with people on support forums or chat rooms.
And I think I understand what you're saying with reality being too much and thus wanting to question it. I would be willing to say that for the most part that's why I question reality, but that's not all of it - because I can be having the best time of my life and I can still question all of reality. I think everything just got twisted for me somewhere along the way and I have problems separating things - inbetween all my mental 'issues' and truth I'm stuck and I get spun in circles.... sometimes so fast I don't know which side is which.

I joke that I have a list a mile long of mental disorders, though most of the time I only claim Schizo-Affective (that's my current diagnosis of the year, they keep switching between schizo-affective and schizophrenic) and Major Depressive... but I have been diagnosed with PTSD, ADD (when I was a child they considered me ADHD, now my depression makes me so tired I have no energy to be hyper-active though I think the 'ADD' is linked to the depression) and a disociative disorder offically (I don't know if they put it down as a none-specific disociative disorder or if they actually called it DID, though that's commently what I categorize it as)... and I also claim myself with a slight social anxiety and OCD. Most people seem to think I have a lot on my plate, but for the most part I like to think I cope well. Sometimes it just gets to me.... and when it does it gets to me really strong and I get some weird panic attacks where I just want to disapear into dust rather than be seen by anyone. --- Like when people stare because I've just said something stupid to a person that's obviously not there..... or when my words get so mixed that I can't even understand what I'm saying and everyone's giving me looks like I have three heads.

Do I wish this wasn't real? Ya know, a lot of things... I'd have to say yes. I wish my head wasn't screwed up and I wish some people would just drop off the face of the earth or that certain things hadn't happened to certain people - but I have to admit that I have a lot to be grateful for.... and I try to remind myself of that. I have great friends who are so supportive and have been with me through some of the roughest times in my life.... and I couldn't live without them. I suppose.... sometimes I wish I could let the whole would see through the eyes of someone with the disorders that so many people live with - just so we could erase the stigma of it all. Because DAMNIT I'm so tired of people telling me I'm loony, crazy, or weird. I've always strived to be normal and it's the one thing I don't think I'll ever be able to achieve. Most of the meds don't work, and the ones that do have such bad side-affects.... life's a catch-22.... and people treet you just like trash just because you don't fit into the box.


But I'd have to say, before I ramble too far - trying to touch on some points you did. I question more the explainable than the unexplainable, honestly. Thoughts of conspiracies and everything being laced with lies runs through my head daily so even when I believe reality I question the truth within people's words or what most of the world believes to be true. I question things I can hear and see and feel more often then I question the existance of a creator or if that voice calling my name is a voice of someone really there or some shadowy figure that's going to disapear as soon as I turn away from it. In fact, sometimes what is not concrete seems more so - like I believe in a creator.... with my whole self I believe something can't come from apsolutely nothing so something had to start all this (and I don't try to comprehend infinity (instant brain sore) so I don't even try to conceive where said creator would have come from.... I consider that just too beyond me).
And it makes me laugh that you bring Matrix because I suppose that's about as close to how I think as anything. I sometimes feel like this is all a dream.... and I'm just waiting for my body to lift and start flying through the air. Sometimes I disapear from reality (happens very rarely, note) and I swear I am flying(or sinking, or dying, or... something).... but I come back and I know it's just a really strong day-dream of sorts and I need to stay here, in reality.... so I just let it go.


I guess, for me, what makes it really hard is that I have a group of people that believe the psyches and think my brain's just messed up and then I have a group of people that believe I'm just connected to something that most people aren't (some kind of awareness of spirits, super-natural creatures, energy, and magick). And just like my reality and other's I get caught inbetween that.... and it makes it even more confusing not knowing which side to pick.
Because sometimes I see some things that scare the ever-living heck out of me and I'd just rather it be a hallusination..... but I'm not all too fond of my head being completely messed-up either.

Well, see, now you've got me rambling.

But I'd like to thank ya kindly for your post... it did make me smile and I really needed that today.:)





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