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Schizophrenia Message Board


Schizophrenia Board Index


I just do not feel right. I actually am not sure I am going to be able to type this out coherrently or not, but here it goes. Here is some brief background information:

- I am a self diagnosed hypochondriac. Over the past two year I have convinced myself that I have had: lupus, ovarian cancer, leukemia, cystic fibrosis, etc etc
- Throughout my entire life I have had anxiety issues. Particularly OCD. My first memories of exhibiting OCD are from when I was little, around 5 or 6; Every night before I would go to bed I would have to stick my feet under the bed to make sure there was nothing underneath. If I failed to do this, I would think that something would get me in the night (ie. a monster) I would also stay up for about 20 minutes listing terrible things in my head. If I did not, they would appear in my dreams.
- My OCD has cycled and appeared during stressful times in my life. It was practically non existent in my teens until the beginning of my senior year when I started college applications. I began praying in my head about various things: to do well on a test; to get into a certain college; even to play well in a soccer game. I believe that it is not only an outlet to god, but to my subconscious as well. If I ingrain it in my subconscious then I will perform accordingly. Most of the time it has worked.
-What is starting to scare me is that I am realizing that many of my compulsions may be considered delusional? I become so anxious about bad things happening and my future that I need to form "checks" for a lack of a better term to relax. For example, if i ask a question and look at the time and see the number 5, it will come true. If I see the number 32, it will not. This obsession with numbers extends to license plates of cars as well sometimes too. I also believe that see a red car meant no, and a silver car meant yes. I understand how irrational this all is yet I continue to do it anyway for comfort.
-My anxiety/OCD symptoms always are A LOT WORSE when I am PMSing. One week of my life I am absolutely miserable and filled with anxiety and tension.
-Also, I have always had issues with food. Particularly for comfort. I feel the need to eat all the time. I am not overweight but I have to work out constantly to stay at a healthy weight. This has spurred a lot of negative feelings about my body.
-Now I feel like my anxiety is spiraling out of control since I have started my freshman year at college. I have made a lot of friends, been enjoying my classes, and doing well academically but the past few days I have not been able to concentrate at all. I feel like I am in a perpetual fog. My mind keeps racing. I feel absolutely exhausted.
-I have never had an hallucinations of any sort. I also know how irrational my actions are. I am TERRIFIED that I am becoming more and more delusional and beginning to show signs of schizophrenia. I have not been myself at all... is this possible? is it more likely that this is just my hypochondriac tendencies manifesting itself??

I really need help. This constant anxiety is affecting my life for the worse. I just want to be free of this constant worry of being sick. I want to be rational.
I have never seen a psychologist before. I am 1000 miles from home and don't know what to do. I think I am going to get a physiatric evaluation by the health center but I do not know what to expect. I cannot let this get in the way of my academics.

thank you to anyone who read all of that... I just need help.





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