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Hi Sammy101: Thank you so much for your concern, it kept me sane.

"[QUOTE=sammyo1;3787527]Matt I am so sorry. I can say I found a PM who is so understanding & trys to not let me suffer. I already freak just thinking if he was to retire but It took some doing to find him. I talk to people on the PM board who loose their PMs or have to find one who works well with them & its not easy but not impossable either."

Thx, will keep looking for P.M.

"I feel so bad for you & would do anything I could to help. I do understand, it all makes you feel helpless & desperate & even at times at the mercy of others. I think we all understand. You said you emailed you PM who moved perhaps she can work with you on finding another PM that is a better fit. You have to keep looking & others have been in your shoes so they know.
As far as your wife I am sure she loves you no matter what. I know how this takes from your marriage, as I feel the same at times, but it is for better or for worse. That is what love is all about. I know this can take its toll on a marriage, it is on mine at the time."

I will be praying for your marriage, I am certainly no expert even after 17 years. One thing that has helped me is not keeping in my feelings and "sulking" (not accusing you of this, but I do, I think it is a guy thing). The longer it is quiet the worse it gets for my marriage. Our spouses don't have our pain, but their lives are affected, also. My wife gets frustrated that she can't help.

"Can you refresh my memory did you go through surgery?"

No, I did not have surgery. I got an mri. c5-c6 bulge (I sometimes wish it just would have popped). c7-t1 severe foraminal stenosis (left arm numb, didn't work right). DDD all cervical levels. My primary doc. said I needed surgery. I met w/surgeon and he was ready to schedule. I wanted another opinion and saw a neurosugeon. He recommended I did not have surgery. I chickened out, put it off, and it's been 2.5 years.

"Perhaps you should try popping on the PM & chronic pain board & asking if anyone knows of a doc. in your area."

Great suggestion, I'm doing it today.

"Either way they are a great bunch there & I can say dont know what I would have done with out them.
There are so many days I just want to stay in, just be left alone. Even though I know I should not be working at all I hang on by a thread because I know I would struggle at times with getting my butt out the door. Deep inside I know how I would be if I did not force myself to hang on to what I have. My PM just hinted again at not working & does not know how I am doing it."

Wow, you have will power. Please do not make yourself worse though. No heavy lifting please!

"I do it because I have to & know that I would more then likely stay in 95% of the time. I went through giving my life over to chronic pain & just managed to take some of it back."

If you have time, I know you were waiting on mri results last month or so. Results?

"I force myself to take it "one day at a time" no matter what. Sometimes we just cant focus on who we used to be but who we are now & take it from there. I try to stop myself from thinking about all I used to do, I cant tell you how much I understand, so many days I have to push anger & resentment aside. So many days of sitting in my car & just cry out of pain & frustration. Strapping ice & heat on & praying all the way to work, knowing I should not even be going. Resenting my husband at times & those around me for not understanding. Tired of being scared of any changes. Any of this sound familier?"

OMG, so familiar!

"If anything we understand. I did everything before this, never asked for help, never waited around for my husband. Its the hardest darn thing to rely on others till this day I cant get used to it, I just cant. In alot of ways we all feel the same. Take it one day at a time, tackle one thing at a time. Like for now focus on finding the right PM for you. In the mean time please explore the PM & CP boards just having those who understand can help. God bless Matt & hang in there. You are never alone, Sammy[/QUOTE]"

Thx so much again, that was one of my lowest points yet and your post helped so much.

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