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Re: My life
Jan 18, 2002
My grandfather is still in bad shape, but on the bright side, I finished 6 tests in the last 2 days and it is such a relief! I feel a thousand times better.

These past few days, I have really wanted to show my BF these pages and let him read all these thoughts and feelings I am pouring out to you. I really want him to know, but it is scary! I really don't want himt to lose any respect with my mother, since he barely respects her now because of a lot of other things that have happened. If I tell him that, he might be completely different to her and perhaps think even worse. It shouldn't be such an issue, but it is for me. It is hard and I am so scared to open up, even to the one and only person that means everything to me right now. I just need to tell him somehow but when/if I do I will feel like hiding away from him. I really have no idea what I will do about this. Any suggestions?

On a different topic, I want to discuss a past friendship. Since I have moved so many times, it has been very hard for me to make a friend and hold them as a friend for longer than a year. I have only successfully held a friendship that started before grade 7, with 2 people. I met them both in grade 3 and they were my best friends in the world. We were always together up until about 2 years ago. Now this may seem weird that I'm bringing something up from 2 years ago, but that is exactly the problem. The one girl and I are still friends, but the other has stopped associating with me altogether. She all of a suddenly decided she wanted nothing to do with me and that she no longer wanted to be my friend. For the first while, I expected it to be a temporary thing we would get over in a short period of time and because she meant so much to me, this really upset me when it was a year and a half later and she still "hated" me. I truly don't know what I have done, and I have done everything in my power to get her to talk to me, and at least tell me what made us "break-up". It is now 2 years later, and it still bothers me. I want to know why she "hates" me and what I could have done so bad, that would make her not even want to say hi to me. It hurts because I have lost one of the best friends I have ever had, and she was like a sister to me. I got closer to her more than a lot of people, emotionally and mentally. I have tried letting it go and not bothering with her anymore at all, but it still comes up when the people I know, who know her, talk about her. I don't want to be friends with her anymore, since I have realized that if someone could just drop their best friend like a hat, they aren't worthy of being my friend at all. But the least I want to know, is why we aren't friends. What actually ended it, and when did it happen. Was it something I did, and then I'd like to just be on good terms with her, so that I could have a little bit of closure. It bugs me so much, and then it bothers me even more because of the fact that someone I shouldn't want to even bother with is making me so.. bothered! (Sorry about all the "bothers".) Since this has been on my mind, I tried to contact her over the internet; the first time in 7 months. I messaged her when she came online and then her friend whom was there told me "she doesn't want to talk to you, she doesn't want anything to do with you." I decided that it was fine if she didn't want to talk to me, but she could listen to what I had to say. So I e-mailed her telling her how much the whole thing has bothered me, and asked her some questions, in hope that she would reply. Then I mentioned; if she really doesn't want to have any thing more to do with me, all she will have to do is answer my questions, and I will be gone from her life forever. The only thing that makes me worried right now, is that she might not reply. I need answers and if she doedn't give them to me, I might always wonder and that will drive me crazy. Do you think it is wrong for me to demand answers? Do you think I should just leave it alone and try to forget it? Although I have tried that, and it hasn't worked out, even after 2 years. Please reaply to me!

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