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Hey I have a problem. This is probably going to be a pretty long post and I know I've been posting a lot it just seems like all these things have been on my mind and if I tried to get them all of my chest at once it would've been one long post and it probably would've made zero sense [img]http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/dizzy.gif[/img] Alright, first of all, I like this guy. I like 2 guys, actually. One of them I've had sex with 6 times, and I've known him for at least 2 years. Anyway, when I met him, I was going out with one of his best friends. I immediately had a little bit of an attraction towards him but I stopped it there because I loved my b/f. Well he was going out with one of my good friends, so we all hung out together. We were always at my house or going out together or at one of their houses. Then, they broke up because she liked another guy. He was heartbroken and we got pretty close during that time because I helped him through it and gave him advice. I kept telling him he was way better than the guy she was leaving him for, and told him that was the truth. I really cared about him now. But again, I kept my feelings on the DL because I was still with my guy. So we still hung out (the 3 of us). Anyway, later on, my boyfriend broke up with me. We were going on the 11th month of being together. I was so devastated and became depressed. I didn't want to go anywhere or do anything. I laid in bed all day and slept and that's about it. However, me and my b/f's friend kept talking and remained good friends. One day while we were talking online, I realized I didn't want to hold my feelings back any longer. My b/f had broken up with me, and it'd been a couple months so I figured he wasn't going to want me back. I told the guy how long I'd liked him, and how I didn't want to hold my feelings for him back any longer. I was sick of it. I wanted him so bad, I wanted to be with him and hold him and kiss him. At that time, I could've just been upset and wanting a guy, but if that was the case, the feelings eventually did become real. He was really surprised that I felt this way about him, and said he liked me, too. We started going out and I told my friend (the one that he went out with). She said she didn't care, but I guess she did (btw, not trying to confuse you but we weren't as good of friends now because of a problem we had). Anyway, she went off and told my ex that me and him were going out and he got pissed. Why? I'm not so sure. I mean I know he loved me and everything. I still loved him more than anything. But it was over. He obviously didn't want me back and we hardly even talked. Even though they were good friends, I had a hard time understanding why it bugged him so much. So he broke up with me saying it wasn't me at all he just wasn't ready to lose his friend. I understood and was upset, but didn't worry about it too much because he said he promised we were going to get back together. Well, we didn't. We continued to see each other and I still remember our first kiss we shared together like it happened yesterday. Then, one day he came over and we had sex. It only lasted a few minutes because a guy I was babysitting for that night was on his way to get me. I haven't forgot it although it was short. So now, I'm falling in love with him even more than I was before. He kept coming over to see me, and my parents liked him and everything...but we had to hide our feelings from them and just act like friends because they didn't want me dating him because he was black. We had sex several more times, and I would sneak out to see him. I liked him so much. I still do. Anyway, he is the guy my mom found out about (for those of you who read my post I kinda need to vent). So she told me I wasn't allowed to see him or talk to him on the phone at all. Of course we still talk. I just tell him to say he's someone else when he calls. I'm in love with him. I honestly am and have been for a long time. He doesn't feel the same way about me though. It seems like he's changed. We still have sex, well we haven't for about 2-3 months, but he is still as sweet as can be and I love to be around him. He's such a good friend. I always think "if only he saw me as more", but he doesn't, and I don't think he ever will. My best friend thinks he has feelings for me and just doesn't want to admit them, and I agree to an extent. From everything we've been through and all the sex we've had and time we've spent together, he has to have some feelings for me as more than a friend...well at least I hope he does...

NOW, OK, I bet you can't believe there is another part to this. But there is. I like this other guy, too. Now he knows about *Josh (the guy I was just talking about above, and that's a fake name)because he is my ex-boyfriend's stepbrother. Complicated, I know. But anyway, so I really care about him and we want to be together, but I keep thinking about *Josh. Me and *Ken (the guy who's my ex's stepbrother) don't live in the same area. We are sort of "together" not b/f and g/f but "together" lol...and while we are, I've messed with *Josh SEVERAL times when *Ken hasn't messed with anyone. He knows about some of the people I've done stuff with, and ended up forgiving me (although I had to beg him). I've fallen for everything about him, too, but I just can't take my mind off of *Josh. I mean I love him. I honestly do. How could I not? I just don't know what to do with things anymore. I want a relationship with *Ken, but I don't. I'm so scared that what happened with me and my ex will happen again and I don't think I could handle that. I know I'd have a very hard time not messing with *Josh if me and *Ken were to start going out.

What should I do? I'm so sad :( and I'd give anything to make *Josh like me even though I like *Ken, too. I'm just confused and upset and having a hard time... [img]http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/rolleyes.gif[/img]

Any advice would be greatly appreciated :) Hopefully no other problems will come up...hehe

Btw, Kashylah, since I am sure you will read this one ;), I live in West Virginia and the weather is OK. And sure you can call me Ash or lee lee whatever you like better! I forgot what you told me I could call you. I'll have to look again :D

Thanks again, and take care all.

[img]http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/heart.gif[/img] ~Ashlee

[This message has been edited by AshleeD (edited 07-29-2002).]





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