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OK I meant "Afraid OR just plain stupid..." I blame my illiterate keyboard.

Alright let's cut the story part short. I knew my boyfriend for a couple months before he asked me out. We knew of each other (he was good friends with my friend) and it wasn't until this one college trip our school sponsored that I got to know him a lot better and basically we hit it off. Well, from that time up until he asked me out I was crazy about him, I knew I wanted to be with him. He had a lot of qualities I wanted in a guy and more, plus he treated me better than any guy in my entire life has. But things changed (for me) once we started dating. Prior to his arrival in my life, I was very VERY anti-guy (no, not lesbianish). I always thought the worst of them and never trusted them since so many have been cruel to me, especially when I'm nice or emotionally vulnerable (meaning when I really like them and try to show them how much they mean to me, they slam it right back in my face with a hearty laugh). This made me bitter and cold-hearted in a sense and I've found it very hard to open up to guys because of this. And this is where the problem arises; my boyfriend Anthony is such a sweet kid who isn't afraid to show me how much he likes (or loves) me. I joked with him once before about it and he asked me "why should I be afraid?" and that's what got me thinking. I know he's a great kid for me but ever since we've been dating I haven't been able to flirt with him or be a good girlfriend because I'm so afraid of others looking at us. But I don't know why. We've been going out for almost a month now, and yet we have never kissed. It's not that he doesn't want to but I dunno, I can't do it (but I want to). This is all very confusing and annoying. I have this looming fear that one day I'll just stop liking him and it makes me feel so horrible because I could never break his heart.He is my first boyfriend so this all may just be normal but I don't want to make myself so crazy over it all that I lose him or hurt him. I also feel like he bores me because he basically agrees with whatever I have to say or he stays quiet and makes things seem so slow sometimes. I'm the kind of person who needs to keep moving and likes to have fun and be heard so these opposite qualities kind of frustrate me. I told this to my friend and she said that I always make up excuses for things that I'm afraid of and want to avoid. Well, I think she may be right.

So, this actually came out to be pretty long (sorry for all you out there with short attention spans like myself!) but basically, what is wrong with me? Am I really afraid of letting someone good into my life? Or have I moved on from him and am dragging this all out? I dunno what to do or think anymore. I could really use your help! :(

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