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Dear Sue:

Thank you for your response.
I especially appreciate your story about your sister and brother-in-law.
And I think I have moved on from that past, yet still afraid that I'd do damage. Yet I really feel like I never would.
Though at first I felt a pang of hurt because of your "red flag"
I consider it an insight. I feel that I do want to be in this relationship, because if I didn't, I would never feel inclined to post something here, since it is my motivation to move on from the not so great girlfriend I was.
I think personally, I know why I don't forgive myself so easily. I try to be perfect, and I feel I come up short to my boyfriend. Then again, I know he has flaws, just like everyone.
I think the guilt comes because this year, my mind suffered with intrusive, anxious, obsessive thoughts that caused me much stress and guilt: that I would cheat, leave him, hurt him, that I never meant anything sweet that I said to him. I haven't been diagnosed with OCD, but it seemed a lot like it...or just horrible anxiety. Also, I have an eye for beauty. I really do notice pretty people, and "good looking guys," but not once have I ever considered getting their number, or anything. It's an old habit of me observing the world. I always felt bad because later I'd go crazy thinking I was "mentally cheating" and I didn't want to be with him. But I do. I find him very very attractive, and he is dear to me. Thank you for your thoughts. :)


Dear Melissa:
Haha, I actually think that may explain it too! My mum had once asked me if I was actually going to stay with my boyfriend, and not date other people. She made it seem disappointing. It hurt a lot....that's why I worried, and I'd love her to support out relationship.

I have talked to my boyfriend about it, and he does plan on going to college, and does not plan to marry until he feels settled down, and babies are far from his mind, lmao. He also feels sex is only and only for when the relationship is stable, and the two have been together for a long time, and are ready and comfortable. I admire his values. I cannot promise anything since my dad doesn't really know about our relationship, (he might be very skeptical and ehh about it, so we're slowly giving him hints) but I will consider your suggestion! :]





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