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Feeling down....
Sep 1, 2002
Hey everyone :(
I don't know if I've posted this yet, but my ex-boyfriend, whom I haven't been with for a year, has a new girlfriend and for some odd reason it's kinda killing me. And I doubt it's even bothering him...
I mean I know he is long over me...and happy with his new girl, but that girl used to be me...and I guess since we went out for almost a year, I have it stuck in my head that that is the way it's supposed to be.
I find myself crying every now and then over it, and I feel like some sort of possesive lunatic. The question 'Why is it her and not me' goes through my mind over and over and over again every day. I'd give anything to be with him again. He was the first guy I ever loved. I shared everything with him. I lost my virginity, I spent a lot of time with him, and eventually, he became a part of me pretty quick. If he called me up right now and asked me back out I wouldn't even hesitate for one second to say yes. I miss him like crazy...I recently talked to one of his close friends, who is also a good friend of mine, and he was telling me how he's happy with her and all this BS (btw, my friend probably thinks I am over him so he didn't mean it to hurt me)...
But that should be me, ya know? I wish and pray that I could just have one chance with him because I know I could be everything he needs or would ever need. I'd walk to the edge of the Earth and back for this guy.
I know that sounds crazy...I'm only 15, but as much as some of you may want to tell me that this was just 'puppy love' or whatever, you're wrong, it wasn't. I was so much in love with him...still am. People ask me if I still love him, and I say no, but that's definately a lie.
Why doesn't he feel this way about me? Did he just not love me as much as I loved him? It kills me to think this may be it, but that's all I can think of. I wish there was some way I could stop being so upset over this since we have been apart for awhile now. I guess some days are worse then others. Like every now and then, suddenly, when I'm not even thinking about him, something I did with him will pop into my mind...for no reason...like if I'm sitting on my couch where he always used to sit with me, suddenly I'll remember something we laughed about one day...I also remember one day he cried in front of me...about his grandpa...the first time I'd ever seen a guy cry, and I got a chance of a lifetime to hold him and tell him I loved him while he was hurting. Some guys wouldn't have even let me or anyone else touch them.
I know I could do anything and everything for him, but he's happy and I can't change the way he feels about his g/f or me. I can't make him want to come back to me, although I wish I could.
I don't know if I'm weird or what...could anyone please tell me what they think? I know I've posted before about stuff like this, but I just can't seem to get over him as badly as I want to. It's especially worse because he goes to my school. When I see him, I pretend it doesn't bother me, but it does. I saw him the other day hug his girlfriend and dammit, I remember when that was me...and I don't want her to be the one getting to feel his arms around her...and I am about to cry and get really upset, so I'm going to leave it at that.
If anyone has any help or advice they could offer me, I'd really appreciate it because I'm in deep need of any suggestions. I just feel really sad that I'm not the one with him anymore, and that he probably doesn't even think about me anymore :( It's like when we broke up, he took a piece of my heart, a piece I will never, ever get back. A piece that will never be replaced because he was definately a one of a kind, in my life, and in my heart... [img]http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/t_down.gif[/img]
Sorry if I bored you all to death, I just had to get this out...thanks in advance to those of you who read this! It means so much...

x Ashlee x

[This message has been edited by AshleeD (edited 09-02-2002).]
i can tell how much this is hurting you, just imagining myself in your situation is painful for me! i am really, deeply sorry for you. i wish i could give you a hug or something!

the only help i can offer you is my personal motto: everything happens for a reason. every bad experience i've had in my life always turns out the way it should. either i learn something valuable from it, or something better comes along, and i always notice that if that bad thing wouldn't have happened, i'd have never had the happiness i have now.

for instance, i was alone for a very long time, and i liked a guy for about six months. he ended up wanting my best friend instead. (this wasn't the first time it happened to me either.) it took me a loooooong time to figure out why it happened (in the large scheme of things). in fact after that i was just waiting impatiently for that reason to come. finally, i met and fell in love with my current boyfriend, and now everything in my life makes sense. everything that has happened to me leads up to now, and so i wouldn't change a thing. i wouldn't take back any of the pain i've dealt with in my life, because if i hadn't had those experiences, i might not be where i am today.

so basically what i'm saying is that you have to trust that fate will put you in the right place. maybe this other girl will teach your ex boyfriend things that he needs to learn, things that might make him realize that he still loves you. and maybe he'll come back to you for that reason, and your love will be even stronger than before. or, maybe, you'll move on. maybe you will fall in love again soon and it will be stronger than before and you will be even happier than you were. at any rate, *something* will happen that will make your pain make sense.

unfortunately, you must wait for that. all you can do in the meantime is hold your head high. just please don't take anything out on yourself. don't think that just because he is with her, that there is anything wrong with *you*. you are still worth just as much as you were when he was with you, if not more. don't let him effect your self esteem. and i've always believed that it's good to cry when you need to, and maybe you should talk to one of your friends about this too. venting on a daily basis will do a world of good, trust me. good luck, i hope you find happiness soon. and i'll wish on the clock for ya





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