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Feeling down....
Sep 1, 2002
Hey everyone :(
I don't know if I've posted this yet, but my ex-boyfriend, whom I haven't been with for a year, has a new girlfriend and for some odd reason it's kinda killing me. And I doubt it's even bothering him...
I mean I know he is long over me...and happy with his new girl, but that girl used to be me...and I guess since we went out for almost a year, I have it stuck in my head that that is the way it's supposed to be.
I find myself crying every now and then over it, and I feel like some sort of possesive lunatic. The question 'Why is it her and not me' goes through my mind over and over and over again every day. I'd give anything to be with him again. He was the first guy I ever loved. I shared everything with him. I lost my virginity, I spent a lot of time with him, and eventually, he became a part of me pretty quick. If he called me up right now and asked me back out I wouldn't even hesitate for one second to say yes. I miss him like crazy...I recently talked to one of his close friends, who is also a good friend of mine, and he was telling me how he's happy with her and all this BS (btw, my friend probably thinks I am over him so he didn't mean it to hurt me)...
But that should be me, ya know? I wish and pray that I could just have one chance with him because I know I could be everything he needs or would ever need. I'd walk to the edge of the Earth and back for this guy.
I know that sounds crazy...I'm only 15, but as much as some of you may want to tell me that this was just 'puppy love' or whatever, you're wrong, it wasn't. I was so much in love with him...still am. People ask me if I still love him, and I say no, but that's definately a lie.
Why doesn't he feel this way about me? Did he just not love me as much as I loved him? It kills me to think this may be it, but that's all I can think of. I wish there was some way I could stop being so upset over this since we have been apart for awhile now. I guess some days are worse then others. Like every now and then, suddenly, when I'm not even thinking about him, something I did with him will pop into my mind...for no reason...like if I'm sitting on my couch where he always used to sit with me, suddenly I'll remember something we laughed about one day...I also remember one day he cried in front of me...about his grandpa...the first time I'd ever seen a guy cry, and I got a chance of a lifetime to hold him and tell him I loved him while he was hurting. Some guys wouldn't have even let me or anyone else touch them.
I know I could do anything and everything for him, but he's happy and I can't change the way he feels about his g/f or me. I can't make him want to come back to me, although I wish I could.
I don't know if I'm weird or what...could anyone please tell me what they think? I know I've posted before about stuff like this, but I just can't seem to get over him as badly as I want to. It's especially worse because he goes to my school. When I see him, I pretend it doesn't bother me, but it does. I saw him the other day hug his girlfriend and dammit, I remember when that was me...and I don't want her to be the one getting to feel his arms around her...and I am about to cry and get really upset, so I'm going to leave it at that.
If anyone has any help or advice they could offer me, I'd really appreciate it because I'm in deep need of any suggestions. I just feel really sad that I'm not the one with him anymore, and that he probably doesn't even think about me anymore :( It's like when we broke up, he took a piece of my heart, a piece I will never, ever get back. A piece that will never be replaced because he was definately a one of a kind, in my life, and in my heart... [img]http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/t_down.gif[/img]
Sorry if I bored you all to death, I just had to get this out...thanks in advance to those of you who read this! It means so much...

x Ashlee x

[This message has been edited by AshleeD (edited 09-02-2002).]
Hi Ash,

I can honestly say I know how you feel. You have read all about my guy. I really sympathize with your feelings of wanting him back, and not wanting any other girl to have those experiences with him. All I can say is that it does get better with time. It is really hard though when you see each other all the time because it keeps bringing the feelings back. Even though my guy acted like a jerk most of the time, watching him hit on other girls or putting his arm around other girls right in front of me makes me feel like I am going to die. I want that to be me, and yet I know he is all wrong for me. The difference between our situations is that my guy hasn't had a proper girlfriend since we were "together", whereas yours appears to. I can't even imagine how that must hurt, it feels a lot better to me to know he is just hitting on random girls. And I also relate to having mutual friends telling you how happy he is. Just try to remember that it is his loss not yours. If he can't see how awsome you are, then he doesn't deserve you. I am sure there is probably still a part of him that misses things about you too. I guess we just don't always know what is right for us, but pretty soon someone will come along that makes you forget all about him (or at least not care anymore). It has happened to me a couple of times now. I always say "never again" and sure enough I meet someone else. In the meantime, my advice to you is appear to be having the time of your life without him. Be friendly and flirtatious with him, but don't let on to the fact that seeing him with someone else is killing you. If you two are meant to be together it will happen. If not, then just be glad you did have some good experiences together. Even with the bad things that happened in my relationship, I would never regret being with him. It made me a lot more mature, and hell we had some fun! Remember, living well is the best revenge. That is the best thing I have learned, and that you should never ever pursue a man. I know none of this takes the hurt away, but at least we can look back on our lives oneday and remember all of our sorted affairs and hopefully have a laugh. I am in my twenties and going through this AGAIN but I look back on this guy I thought I loved when I was 18, and want to kill myself! I mean, I thought he was wonderful then, but the person I am now would never even consider him. people come and go in our lives, and our tastes and ideas about what we want change. You are a young girl, and this most likely will not be the last time a guy breaks your heart. So have fun, be safe, and enjoy yourself. Eventually the right one will come along...until then you have all of us going through it with you! This is really long-winded, but I hope it helps a little bit. Lots of love,
Gem





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