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Sexual Health - Teens Message Board

Sexual Health - Teens Board Index

Re: SEX= wrong??
Feb 24, 2002
I'm 17, first of all, and I remember what it was like to be 14... It wasn't that long ago. I think that it's important to know that you will change a lot during the next few years of your life. For me, and for most people I know, as freshmen in high school, you are unsure of yourself. You don't know exactly who you are, you don't know what you want to be, you might be uncomfortable in your own skin, uncomfortable with your body. And, yeah, I think stuff like what you're feeling/doing happens to girls sometimes, unfortunately.

As someone before me said, I don't think you're addicted to sex, as much as you have a need for people to want you. The problem is, now that you have done sexual favors for a few guys, the word spreads around.. Guys in high school can be jerky, and sleazy. You have to be aware that these guys are using you. And you have to realize that you are better than that.

I hate to sound like a drippy psychiatrist or something, but it's all about your self-esteem and self-image. Losing your virginity at such a young age is usually not a good idea. I lost mine when I was about 16 1/2. That, too, is probably a young age to many people. But I was with my boyfriend for nearly two years, and we're still together today... for almost 2 1/2 years.

Everyone is different, and every circumstance is different. No matter how old you feel and look right now, getting sexually involved with 18-year-old guys is not a good idea when you're 14. Think about it, what does an 18-year-old see in a 14-year-old? A four year age difference is a lot when you're a teenager. For kids at my school that date, the relationships between seniors and freshman are rarely based on anything romantic or emotional... It's mostly that the freshmen are excited that an older boy likes them... but the older boy likes them because they are naive, young, innocent freshmen. Plus, they can't get girls their own age, because they see through them.

My advice to you is to be smart, and be really conscious of your actions. Don't date for awhile, and refuse any guys who seem to be being nice to you just to get sexual favors. Try to get to know some guys in your own class, or maybe a class above you. And don't enter into a relationship with someone unless you were friends for awhile first, and feel that you can really trust the motives of the person.

Being 14 is definitely hard... I'd never want to be that age again. I think that 7th, 8th, and 9th grade are some of the toughest years I've dealt with, as far as feeling comfortable with myself.

I hope this helped, and that it wasn't too long-winded or preachy.
Good luck hun

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[This message has been edited by moderator1 (edited 02-25-2002).]

Re: SEX= wrong??
Feb 25, 2002
This is going to be a long response, Kat, but I hope you read it.

"But you don't understand...there's like no guys out there. All they want is sex and head sex and head sex and head and it makes me so mad."

There are guys that are like that, of course. But there are also a lot of guys that are not like that. There are plenty of girls who have great relationships with guys during their teenage years. I know that there are sleazeballs out there. But, believe it or not, there are also guys who are caring, and kind, and understanding... They are sometimes a little bit harder to find... But they are there.

"When I had a boyfriend, I went out with him for 11 months and when we fought, even it it was something HE'D done, he always had to have it his way so somehow I always ended up apologizing"

You are probably insecure about yourself, or about your opinions. If you know that what you did or said was right, then stand up for yourself. Have faith in yourself, and realize that you not only CAN have an opinion, but that you SHOULD have one.

I know that fighting can be hard, especially with your boyfriend. And I've had fights with my friends in which I've just given in because it's not worth the fighting.

But with a guy, especially your boyfriend, sometimes it's different. As I see it, it's important, as a woman, to establish yourself as an equal force to the guy you're dating. If a guys sees that you don't hold your ground, or that you give in to arguments like that, you are showing them a weakness -- showing them that you easily give in to guys. This is when assholish guys can start to take advantage of you.

But instead of letting that happen, when you talk with a guy or argue with a guy, you let him know that you are a strong, smart, confident, beautiful, young woman. You remember that you don't have a thing to prove to guys. Be yourself. Stand by your decisions and values. If you know that sleeping around is wrong, then you tell yourself that you won't do it. And when you sense a guy trying to lure you into bed, say to yourself, "I'm not going to fall for this again. I'm better than him, and I'm better than this."

"I wanna change, and I'm trying it's just every time this guy calls me up who by the way I think is soo hott or when any other guy calls me I actually want to have sex with them...and I feel like I can't control the urges to just go on and follow what I'm thinkin and do it. "

Stopping this habit is just like quitting drinking, or smoking, or biting your nails, or spending money too much. Feeling obliged to give guys sexual pleasure is what you are addicted to. If you were trying to quit smoking, then you might try to limit your exposure to people who smoke cigarettes, maybe take the money that you would use to buy cigarettes and put it into a jar, or use it to buy Nicorette gum or something like that. It's the same process for the habit that you are trying to kick. Try to avoid the group of guys that you have hung out with, because it's obvious that they have alterior motives. If a guy calls you up and asks you to sleep with him, or give him head, make yourself say no. And then do something else. Go out with your girlfriends, rent a movie and eat junk food, go shopping -- anything. Anything that isn't dangerous to yourself, and anything that does not involve sex.

"I might write somethin in the teen issues board to let girls know that if they are virgins- STAY a virgin. I wish I would've waited..."

Well, at least you have realized your mistake at a relatively early point -- you are only 14. I think it's great that you have recognized that you're having problems, and that you truly want to fix them. Maybe sharing your story with others will help them... And maybe just writing all of this down is helping... I know that when I write out my problems and hard times, it's almost theraputic.

Good luck, again, and talk to you later maybe

~ Kate

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